Mistakes Made, Mistakes Exploited Upon

Yeah, you know I go and come from the sex thing all the time  (heh, heh, heh, he said come).

Sex should be a constant dialogue between men and women. More than politics. Why? Because we might not be as fucked up as we are now between the sexes. Men don't trust women...we really don't. Women don't trust men...you really don't. Stop lying, you don't (If you don't get the irony in that last sentence, you'll never understand this blog). We promise not to fuck over each other, but we do. We don't know how each others minds work. Even two men really don't know how the other is thinking when it comes to planting his spade into new earth or a foreign beachhead. So, I'm here today to talk about sex, and relationships.

"And yet, Hobo likes to spout that shit all the time that women are vessels for men's enter- tainment," one of my readers complained. I understand. I think the problem here is that there maybe a semantic problem with the definition of 'entertainment'. Let's just take this apart. Do I like to see naked women? Yes. Entertaining, yes. Do I like to talk shit to women to either anger them or bullshit them into having sex with me? Yes. Entertaining, yes. Do I like to put my grubby hands in the private, and fun places on a woman's body (naked or un-naked)? Yes. Entertaining, yes. Do I try to put my Wee Willie Wonka into every nook and cranny of her body if I get the chance? Yes Entertaining, yes. Do I fuck around with a woman's mind and make her feel bad about herself or her gender? NO. Entertaining, NO. Do I play and toy with their emotions and make them confused, angered, and neurotic by going back and forth on her or fucking her close friends? NO. Entertaining, NO.

You see, it can be all in the images that we see when we use the word Entertain- ment. If women aren't enter- taining to a man, then he's probably a misogynist or gay. If men aren't the same with women, then they're probably lesbian, or...men. Let's face it ladies, you have your strip clubs, porn shops, beefcake magazines, leading men in movies and on television just like we do. You even have gigolos if you want them. You probably don't need them though...because practically the entire world of men are gigolos to you. Shit, you have the same things sexually as we do, so there is no high moral ground here. We're both wrestling in the mud. I just care to admit it. I'll tell everyone here...I'm a lesbian. Yeah, I fucking LOVE women too. All of my dirty thoughts involve them. When I touch myself in that place that mommy told me never to that way, a woman is always on my dirty mind.

I like them naked, I like them fucking, I like them riding a bike and playing pool. I can stand out in the middle of New York, and what do you think I can watch all day pass by. Cars? School buses? Little children? Hah! WOMEN! This tall one, that short one, this blonde one, and oh yeah, that firecracker redhead right over there. Yep, I find women highly entertaining. I'd rather watch two women wrestle than see one title fight. I'd rather watch scores of bikinis on a stupid show than a documentary on relevant issues. Does this make me shallow. Au Contraire, it makes me a man.

It's a funny thing. The first time that I got an erection I didn't know what the fuck was going on. But when I learned what it was for...all of my life choices forever changed. I graduated from boy to man. My thinking may have altered since then, but never really changed at a core element. I love women. I also love frog's legs. Or did. Until that time that my father and I went to a pig-out at the Coney Island Nathan's and I ate them all day long with Cokes until I got sick of em. I can't even look at them now.

Then again, compare that experience with Debbie J. A wonderful blonde that I knew when I was eighteen. I was lean, mean and full of steam. She was horny as Hell. We had the apartment all to ourselves every day. The first time we coupled, we hit it an ran. It was illicit. The second time, we spent the entire day fucking each other's brains out. I'm talking all day, pausing just to eat. Here's the problem. Unlike frogs legs, a lot of sex only served to make me want it more. Imagine that. I can have tons of sex, and still want more on my plate. I think I'd have to be a porn star to get enough. Errr, maybe not.

I wake up every morning wanting to fuck women to some extent. Sometimes this hum is so fucking low that a cool television show can overcome it. A hot meal can smother it, but it's always there. Always. I can see a woman while walking down the street and the fucking hum grows a little louder. I can even watch a show and have a sexual scene pop up and the hum will turn mean and loud. Louder and louder, as if every sensual encounter turns up the volume just a little more, until its deafening. When it gets glaringly loud, I search for pussy. Like a vampire, I search it out, flying through the night, hanging off dark outcroppings of buildings, flitting with bat wings through open windows. I'm on the prowl.

If I fail to find some, it's time to turn on the porn. Now watching this the hum is screeching in my ears. My very brains are about to explode (among other things). When I can stand it no longer, I get my extra large tub of Vaseline and take matters into my own hands. Afterward, the earsplitting hum is gone. Oh yeah, I masturbate. Why? Because I never developed a problem with it, I find it surprisingly fun, and lastly, the most dangerous period for a man in his life is the Vampire Period. I try to keep my pussy hunting period as short as humanly possible, because like a Vampire, blood changes the way you behave and react. You will make decisions not to your best interests. Women will use you more when you are a starving vampire just by dangling the sight of blood before you, well in this case, pussy.

You will sleep with a woman that you would not even say hello to in the light. You will make the most stupidest choices in your life, when you are in Vampire mode. Cut that shit short immediately. Get on with life. You have a woman working you for something, to keep the Pussy Power from overwhelming you, you have only one defense, put a stake in the Vampire. Once that's out of the way, Pussy Influence has absolutely no effect on you. This was given to us from nature's evolution. You'd better use it guys or you'll be led around by your dick for the rest of your life.

Now, I masturbate because it's fun too, and I have sex for the same reason. For fun. Not as most men, whose minds are only on an orgasm for himself. "I got mine, did you get yours?" he asks her. She shakes her head. He rolls over. "Maybe next time." Naaah, not the Kid. From time immemorial, well since maybe somewhere in that first entire day with Debbie J. I've been after women having orgasms more than myself. It seems only logical to me, since they can have them over and over again, no matter how old they get. Whereas us men, when we're young, maybe three of four times in one sitting, maybe more. When we grow older, we're content with just one. So, since I'm only going to get one earth shattering pop, why not give her a couple?

"...well, the hobo TALKS about hitting anything and every- thing!" Some of you readers say. Yes, I condone hitting anything female that's moving, including caribou. The only exclusion, children. Other than that, young and old, nail 'em all. Now what I condone and what I do are TWO different things. If your thing is to stick your dick into the tailpipes of running cars, more power to you. Hit 'em all! How about into warm apple pie? Hit 'em all! Do your thing, baby. But me, I'm going to have one meaningless coupling after another until I find what I'm looking for. A fucking AFFAIR. That's what I want right now, a fucking affair. I want some kind of longstanding, no holds barred sexual relationship with one person that is more durable than marriage. Where it can stand the test of infidelity, deceit and lying, largely because there is no hard and fast commitment.

I'm with her because I want her, and she's with me for the same. She makes me feel good. I want more than a sexual relationship with her anyway. Until I find that, then my thinking continues to be: Hit 'em all! Hey, what's wrong with that? Like I said in a previous post, when men are offered pussy, they are considered lucky. So tell me, what's the sense of 'getting lucky' and turning it down simply because I met my quota of women for the month. Unless this Fucking Affair was working for me. Then the hum in my ears would not be so loud as to give in to it.

Yeah, sex is fun. It's like a roller coaster. And I'll go another stretch. I love to do what I love to do when I do what I love to do. Understand? I also love drinking. Heavily. So when I'm about to get laid, I love to get blasted out of my gourd because I'm too self-conscious without it when I'm sober and fucking. Yep. I'm thinking about myself and her too much than the plain NASTY. When I'm drunk, shit I dismantle women. I'm not bragging here, I'm just fluent in fucking. Remember I was MARRIED for 13 years, and a playboy before that. When you are married over Seven years, sex needs a hand up because it can get BORING. You have to become highly creative and spice up your sex to make that shit continue to work.

That's where commu- nication comes in. It's called in sexual science parlance: Feedback. Basically silence during sex is both catastrophic and un-dramatic. Believe it or not but we use grunts and groans as signals to our partner that we enjoy this or that. I bet you didn't know that. You just thought that you did it because it felt good to you. Nope. It's a lower form of sexual communication, taken from when we were animals, swinging in trees. When both mammals learned what their mate loved during sex, they tend to repeat it to the pleasure of the other. Remember, Mother Nature wants the both of you to cum. Men cum, they produce sperm;  Women cum and produce a healthy vaginal environment for sperm. When these two things meet, Mother Nature makes another mammal.

So we get our sexual cues from the noises we make. No sound at all, well you could just as well be mastur- bating in a vacuum. Now, like I said, grunts and groans are for lower mammals. And humans who don't understand that sex is only physical communication! WE have evolved into higher forms of life or I hope some of us have. WE can communicate with our partner on a higher level, like talking. Sexologists call it 'Feedback' (get it yet). What is feed back? Talking dirty while you're fucking. Not that stupid shit though like,"Call me a bitch!", "Call me Daddy!". Seriously now, what's the point of communication like that? If you like talking 'dirty' then more power to you. But communication is constructive instructions on what you like and what you don't. If he sticks his tongue in your ass, you can roll away and say, "hit me somewhere else baby."

If you like her crawling out from under your thrusting to blow you, tell her, "Oh, I love that, baby". If she isn't communicative and you do a switch-up on her, like put her ankles against her ears, and she groans heavily, her eyelids fluttering. Why guess, guys? ASK HER GODDAMNIT! "Do you like that?" Talk to her. Get her speaking if she's the quiet type. It's a little daunting at first to have to question or supply answers while fucking, but believe me, if you had to, you could fuck and do your taxes at the same time too.

So, Drinking and Talking in Hobo-sex is FUN! Do you know what's even more fun? Locations. Yeah, locations. Daring, illicit, embar- rassing locations. I've fucked in some strange places in my life, not because I was all that horny either, although I was drunk. But the reason why I did it was to see if I could get away with it, especially in a public place. I've been caught too, which makes it even more fun. I've even been caught by the cops with my ex, but not arrested for public indecency. I'm a fortunate son, what can I say (I have to tell you the cop story one day)?

Locations make sex fun. Pick some wacky ones, like airport bathrooms, movie theaters, shopping mall stairwells, elevators, parks and recreation...like third base during a ball game, school rooftops, Zoos...behind cages of wild animals, your neighbor's flower bed, the town pool, picnics with the relatives, ferries, buses, trains. You get my drift? Fuck everywhere, and get a blast out of it. You'll get an adrenaline rush for even trying. Some people do it, record it, and post it up in IRC! The Swedish seem to win that one hands down. I don't think they have public indecency laws in their country. They have videos of people fucking on the street and subway stairwells during rush hour for Chrissakes. OH, and the Japanese are all the more daring because they have rules against such, but I've seen an Asian couple fucking in a crowded drug store. Put that on my list above too...drug stores.

Alcohol, Talking, locations,and now...toys! Yeah, I can hear women flinch at the thought already. Ha ha! I love you all. Especially when you whip out a toy, and you have women whose eyes pop right out of their heads. Yeah, the sight of a toy could be frightening. And for you rookies out there. If you've never used a toy on your girl, DON'T START WITH THE FAT TWELVE INCH BLACK RUBBER PENIS! C'mon guys, this shouldn't have to be told to you. Ease them into toys and they'll buy the Black penis on their own. How do you do this? Start with a dick tickler, get a Tower of Power if you want a recommendation. Seen that girls. Probably not, but you felt it and it felt damn good, didn't it? Guys, its a wide, rubbery cock ring with raised rubber fingers around it. So, the next time, roll over, take a break, slip it on right over the condom and get back to work. Her entire body will go rigid in a second. Trust me on this one. For a hot second she's turn into a starched manikin, and then melt like butter. After you finish, she won't stop screaming.

Next toy. The finger. Ever bought that one? An Asian marvel. The Fukouku. It's half rubber fingertips, connected to a small battery. You put it on your index finger after you take another break on her ass, and put this fucker on and slip your hand down to her sensitive love spot and turn on this finger which vibrates at different frequencies. With your new bionic finger (or fingers) gently...very gently rub her love button (guys, if you don't know what the fuck that is, buy a book). As she squirms, you can apply more and more pressure until she starts bucking and screaming. No need to stop, just pause a second. Start again. Repeat as often as YOU HAVE TO.

Toys can be used before the act too. Let's say you're heading out to a swank party, or to a party at a friend's house. Use either and Egg, Ball or Bullet. It's all remote control. She slips something plastic the shape of an egg, the size of a golfball, or better, a big fat bullet up into her, then gets dressed. Remember now, she can either use one...or double the pleasure and make it two down there! YOU,  on the other hand make sure you keep the remote control. This shit has about three or four settings, and a range of twenty five feet. If she asks you to test it out for the first time, tell her you'll do it in the car. If she asks you to test it out in the car, tell her you'll test it up the walkway. When you get to the front door of the party, she'll stop asking you. Why do this?

Because it's not about what she feels, it's about when she feels it. Test it at home and it'll feel like two men fucking her at the same time. She'll buckle to the floor and then take those motherfuckers out of her. Too much pleasure in public. "Let's play with them when we get home, honey," she'll say to you. Ohhhh, where's the fucking fun in that? No, test it NOwhere, guys. If she demands it, tell her the battery is out, you have another in the car. Just keep putting it off until she walks into the party and starts to jaw-jam with her friends, relatives or neighbors. Then, have a glass, take your time, peer at her from a distance...and flip the switch. When she leans against the wall and shakes her head with a panicked look on her delicious face, you will feel the horniest rush in your life. It's like fucking her in public.

When she drops the wine glass, bumps into people, takes a seat and then pops back up, when her leg shakes or she makes a mad dash to the bathroom (make certain you beat her there. Close the door, turn off the device and wait until she gives up, then come back out). Give her plenty of breaks though. She might not be tough enough to handle an orgasm in public, but you can charge her up to such an extent that when you both come out of the party, drunk as doves, she'll knock your ass down on the front lawn and tear your clothes off. Ahhh, the joy of Hobo Fucking! Trust me guys, do this shit once, she'll bring them out of the closet EVERY TIME you go out to a dinner engagement.

Okay, Alcohol, Talking, locations, toys, and lastly... food. I know, at first my girlfriend thought it was disgusting, until we started using whip cream. Actually we were just wrestling and I was only trying to put it in her hair but I made the mistake of spraying her mouth with it instead, trying to give her a cream mustache. When she had cream all over her lips I stopped wrestling and started kissing. We dropped the can on the couch, got undressed, and the next thing I knew she had covered my nipples with whipped cream. Before long, with were covered with the creamy stuff, fucking like mad bunnies.

From whip cream we graduated to honey, syrup, jelly, anything sweet. Even powdered sugar. The only thing is that we rarely did it because of the mess afterward. The hot showers together were fun though. So, now you have it all, the hobo joy of fucking. Guys, make it your aim to dismantle the woman that you are fucking tonight. Don't let her leave that room, closet, bathroom, parent's house, disappointed. Fuck the living shit out of her.If you need help, get your ass some toys! When she's comfortable with you...and it takes more than silly one night stands to get there (sorry Charlie), she will allow you to play. If you're careful, and take my advice, you'll see, sex will be more fun to you than anything you've ever imagined.

That's why I want a longstanding affair. I want her used to me, like the back of her hand, and I her. I'll wait for that, because as I get older, I can see, it's worth it.

Hobobob