For The Cosmically Aware

Oh, I remember. I was supposed to tell you how a baseball player and a soldier in Afghan- istan can suffer from low grade OCD.

The idea of Luck is as old as the hills. It's easy to believe that it has been with us since the dawn of time. It has. It goes side by side with worship. People can worship God, or Luck. One or the other. Many times, it's a tacit support for luck. Luck is the explanation for the unreasonable nature of life. It tells a soldier why he wasn't killed in a bomb blast, or the baseball player why he had a good season. Things that he can attribute to his Luck are kept close to him, are repeated by him, because he is afraid. Terribly afraid. The soldier is afraid of dying on the battlefield, so he may have a lucky helmet or rifle. A baseball player is afraid of losing his skill, his physical endurance, his position or place on the team. So he has a lucky bat or shoes.

If this stress is prolonged, they pick up smaller rituals. Lucky washing of hands, lucky combing of hair in a certain direction, lucky charms,  lucky thought (or REmoving un-lucky thoughts so as not to jinx oneself), statement or prayer. Luck plays a major role in fear. But what if you don't attribute your circumstances to luck. What if you can't believe in luck? Then this repetitive behavior serves as an otherworldly protection from what you fear. You have developed a fear of something so your rituals become more acute, more intense. You pick up more and more rituals to protect yourself from a fear...an acute fear that although may point to something very specific, ties in with the cold hard fact of death as it's root.

We are all afraid of dying. People with OCD are clearly more afraid of it every day. It's completely because it's something wholly random. I'll give you a case in point. A child undergoes some form of trauma, a soldier undergoes some form of emotional distress, a baseball player some form of ugly ridicule. These things become an avoidance for them. Normal people and even creatures shy away from negative, painful events. A child might have been sexually or physically abused, and the only thing he can remember from it is his toy horse in the room. Then when he sees the horse, he is reminded of the trauma.

A soldier might have seen, or register a child throwing a ball just seconds before the IED blast. Or a color, or a sound. Then later, back in the States, these things remind him acutely of the trauma. Same with the baseball player. It could be words hurled at him, items hurled at him, anything, anything that reminds him of what he fears. Now I've given you examples ranging from Small, Medium to Large (not necessarily in that order).

These people will do things, since they may not believe in luck, or lucky charms, they may develop rituals. They may begin to do things that they think keeps them from coming into contact with what they fear or even cope with the fear... holding it at bay. Rituals allow you to take comfort for yourself, therefore making life easier. They drop their cross before going out to battle and avoid children at play. This protects them. They have to keep that bat close to them, probably always in their locker, so that its close to him before he goes out to play, and avoid tight groups of people. The child may develop a fear of horses so he goes out of his way to avoid them, even more irrational like avoiding hay also, for fear that a horse might come along. Fear makes you do some strange ass things.

People with OCD live daily with fear. I don't want to use my example because they are way too many and way too personal for my blog. If I get a handle on them, if I can control them then I'll explain what they are if you haven't guessed by now anyway. You may or may not. But what I know you don't know is why my OCD fractionated into so many disorders. That's the mystery for you! I make it a habit to tell my readers that I'm not a well man. Hopefully they'll start to believe me.

But OCD starts innocently enough. Something quite small to ward against the capricious nature of life. It protects us from what we have developed into a very real fear. I'll tell you one of mine. Right angles. Yep. I feel a great deal of anxiety when things are not in order, and tend to avoid them. Things in some semblance of order, and things at right angles make me feel a sense of security, of calmness. If something is out of a right angle, like a pencil at an angle to the edge of a desk, per se, this emotionally disturbs me, and it takes all of my strength to not straighten it out to a right angle to the edge of the desk.

I have been through exposure therapy to learn how to fight my many OCD behaviors, but they are gaining on me again, and soon, very soon will engulf me. You see, with OCD, you just continue to pick up more and MORE things that become ritual. More can reach the point where it is not good or even beneficial. By not facing your fear, you fear it more and more. When that happens you build up this ritualistic life to protect yourself from what you fear. As the fear increases, the rituals do the same. The sky's the limit.

While watching this show on A&E called OBSESSED, I see how fucked up I really am, and how I DO need therapy again. I can't just walk away from it believing that I can do it on my own. In the show, they call it 'Controlling Behaviors'. Actions that keep you from doing the therapy so that you don't have to face your fear. That's my thing. I'm still running from my fear. And I don't know how to face it. I don't even know what it is. That's where competent help comes into play. I really need help. After watching the show, I surfed to the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation and found Behavioral Therapists in my area that specialize in OCD.

I wonder if they take medicare?

Hobobob