I'll be Fine When I'm Dead

I was wondering what I was going to write about tonight.

I was just going to wing it. Just start the fucking ball rolling and then BANG, my brain will percolate some shit out of the deep recesses of my mind. But in regards to what I write, I'm sure you know that I like to also answer some of my readers emails. You know, write and then BANG up comes the shit! Well, let's look at what just popped up the moment I put my fingers on the keys of my keyboard. A rather long email to the Hobo.

"...I thought about posting this on your blog addressing HB the Sexpert. I somehow found myself fielding the question today at work as a perceived "expert witness" of a sort about... Whether "the myth" is true about black men."

 No, I shit you not. This is an email from one of my readers. I tell you, I get 'em from all over the world. Some are just 'Hey you's' and some are pretty interesting to answer. This is one of them.

Well, let's go into this delicately. If you watch as much porn as I do, you'd believe in the Black myth, because some of the boners on these guys look like Alabama Black snakes. But then again, so do the White guys. In fact, it appears to me that all people in the porn business have gi-normous man meat. If I didn't see it myself with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe some of these prehistoric monsters between the thighs of some men. But going on...

"This got me to wondering if anyone has actually done a SCIENTIFIC study on this. And since you are well known to be a sex researcher I thought I would put the question to you. We women (and black men) who read your blog would probably find this topic of interest. HB loves to talk about his endowment disparagingly..."

I was just going to bring that shit up. Talking about my own little tool. I happen to enjoy my little sharp shooter. I have long ago stopped caring about the size of my joint because I seem to have some good sex with it. Does the woman? Like I tried to tell you gang. If she doesn't, I have the tools to make sure she does! What is a man without power tools from ACE Hardware anyway? You look in our garages, we have lawn mowers and hedge trimmers, shit a table saw and power drill. You go in our car trunks you'll see a toolbox filled with screwdrivers, hammers, a wrench set, everything! And yet you go into some guys bedroom closets or under their beds and NOTHING. Not even a condom with a rubber hook on the end, or a durable leather clit belt. Nothing. That's sad guys, very sad.

But you know how I do...when something gets under my skin, I look it up on the Internet. Oh just a gentle word of warning....

Guys...if you have a problem with cocks, and a real discussion of sorts...if you get squeamish looking at other guy's prongs: THIS IS WHERE YOU GET OFF. YOUR TRAIN IS LEAVING. MAKE SURE YOUR ASSES ARE ON IT. Maybe watch a baseball game or sumptin' from this point on. This is no doubt for the ladies and us little penis guys who would like to know more about the secret world of Dick-dom. Firstly, let me clear something up here right now. I'm as lost on this subject as a woman, simply because when a naked man walks into the room, I tend either to turn my head or look up. Not that I'm embarrassed for him, it's just that I'm not partial to seeing a penis unless it's erect and being used on a woman. You may feel that this is a contradiction, but it's not. I LIKE porn, and when I see a prick in porn, I translate it as MY prick. But when I see a prick in real life, I ask myself, "Why is his dick out?"

So, when I see a dick on another man I turn away. Mostly when I DO see a penis on another man, to my great relief, the motherfucker is flaccid. Which makes me feel much better, because I'm fat and have a big ass. I definitely don't want to be in the same room with an erection for that reason alone. That's one reason why I avoid Three Way Sex. When dismantling a woman (Or in carnal terms, fuck the shit out of her), I definitely do not want another penis around. I mean, just the thought of it makes my skin crawl. If I ever found myself forced to be in a three way with another man and a woman, certain rules must apply. 1) I don't want to even see your dick, 2) I don't want it anywhere near me. If it touches any part of my skin, the fucking stops and the knuckle sandwiches are handed out liberally, 3) I don't even want to SEE your dick, 4) do not cum in my general direction or on ANYTHING that's mine. If you cum on me, I will immediately get up and drive a stake through your skull, 5) if you spunk up ANY of her orifices, for your own life's sake, you HAD BETTER give me fair warning. Shit, put a 'used' sticker over whatever you loaded in, because if I catch an unfortunate sloppy seconds, you're dead.

It's just a short list. Not that I'm homophobic mind you. I just prefer leaving dicks to the women. So that's why this project given to me by a reader is what I do. Oh, she goes on: "Of course the next thing my coworker suggested is that I do a comparative study with Asian guys..." Comparative study? Well, here's the rub. Let's look on the Internet and see if we can find answers to these questions and more on the Hobobob Sexpert Show!

Okay, lets go overseas for our answers first. "The British Medical Journal Study on penis length by ethnic origin," puts it this way, with a pretty cool chart at that. I'm not too good at charts. But what I can read from this one is that 18% of Black men have a joint 6.9 inches long. The next runner up are Caucasian men with 14% with dicks 6.5 inches in length. Then come Asians with an average of 15% at 5.7 inches. So here we go again, the Blacks have the superior length dicks so far in that report. So this must make me Asian, or somebody played a trick on me at birth and told me that I was Black. Because I have no where near these numbers. Looking at the Black graph again, I fall in the lower 1%  of Black men with a stoogie at 4.3 inches. Wow.

Now lets be honest. Anybody can ask a bunch of men to walk into a room and measure their dicks, and it's inte- resting, which I thought would be different, that they have other MEN measure your dick. Now, how is a dude supposed to pop a woody when there is a man handling your tool? Wikipedia helps with understanding the skinny on so called, collecting data for 'dick size'..."A penis must be completely erect in order to obtain an accurate measurement. This may be difficult to achieve in a clinical setting. At least one Brazilian doctor resorted to injecting penises with drugs to induce erection, which gave more consistent results. Some clinicians measure the penis by stretching the flaccid penis as far as comfortably possible."

Now my problem, and I think the whole problem with these dong length studies is how the data is collected in the first place. People are so interested in the numbers that they don't really realize how these numbers are collected, whose collecting them, and what sort of simple minds place themselves in the position of having this information collected about them. When we take a serious look at these factors, we'll be able to see why these studies fail and can be of no help to us. But don't worry, I'm Hobobob, I have the fucking solution for everything, and this is some easy shit.

Here's the thing that gets me. Men are doing these studies. Let me be clear ladies. Male doctors are conducting these studies of male members. Do you see a problem with this already? If you don't I'll have to take a deep breath and explain it to you. If a doctor was doing a study on the length of an erect penis, and wanted to measure mine, the first thought that comes to me is a porn film or magazine, or a sexy nurse giving me a tug job and then measuring my giggle stick with a ruler. Now if I walked into a room and saw a hypodermic needle, or that they were just going to pull on the tip of my schlong as far as 'comfortably' possible, I would take a fucking walk. I'm pretty certain 90% of men of all races would do the same. It takes somewhat of a dim mentality to subject yourself to that shit for science. Especially that needle shit.

I mean, this is your dick...uhh, not your dicks ladies, but a Man's dick. The most precious instrument in a man's life. A normal man does not allow ANYONE to fuck with it. He only allows a woman to play with it only when he's horny and it needs attention. If you think I'm lying, try this moral quandary on your husband or boyfriend. Here's the situation. A man breaks into your home, and holds you both at gunpoint. Then this lunatic poses this moral dilemma for your man. Either the gunman will blow your head off or his dick off. Now let's say this is a forty five caliber weapon, which will either turn your melon into a deep dish bowl, or shatter his rod completely. Which would you think he would choose? Which do you think I would choose? WHATEVER YOUR MAN TELLS YOU, don't fucking believe him. The math is simple. You can always get another wife or girlfriend (Oh, and ladies. Don't let him try to hedge his way out of this one with some macho shit about how he'll throw himself at the gunman or try to wrestle the gun away or other bullshit. THIS IS MORAL DILEMMA. A choice between two evils, not his physical prowess! Which ONE of the above choices will you chose....end of fucking story).

So let me ask you again. What is wrong with the man that will sit there and allow you to stick a hypodermic needle into or pull on his prick. Just the thought of it is enough to make me go literally insane. And whose to say that this, doctor or whatever you want to call him, doesn't pull a little harder, or put a little more 'get hard' juice in the hypodermic for the Black man than he does for the Asian dude just to prove his asshole hypothesis? Hmmm? Dong length measured by modern science leaves much to be desired, and these huge numbers in the test studies in the thousands do not necessarily reflect the male population in the millions as a whole. 

So, with all these men measuring all these other men's poles, it makes me question charts and averages and Myths and all that bullshit because after an extensive study of this topic about penile length among the races...I've come to the same conclusion as this report....

"Many cultures have a persistent urban legend that the penis size of some minority groups is larger than the norm. In the United States, the minority group chosen is African-American. This appears not to be supported by anything other than anecdote. Fanon covers this subject in some detail in "Black Skin, White Masks", and tends to agree that this is a myth -- a conclusion that he backs up with statistics. On the other hand, Philippe Rushton has published statistics claiming otherwise (Race, Evolution, and Behavior: A Life History Perspective, 1995). The only reliable penis-size studies commonly quoted in the literature are the Kinsey study, the UCSF study, and an Italian study, none of which even attempted to correlate size with race."

There is no real valid studies being made in my opinion because all men are not given an incentive to be part of the study. That's the problem. Men measuring men. It's my impression that it's high time for a real, cogent study of dick size, by age, race, and IQ. But the only possible way that this could be done is if WOMEN do it. If a group of serious minded women donned rubber gloves and put an ad in the newspapers in cities all over the country giving out free tug-jobs. Or as massage parlors call them, 'Happy Endings'. And while beating the meat so to speak, just stop and measure the woody before ejaculation. I bet you that you'll get all kinds of men not only volunteering for the study, but stepping over their own dicks trying to get in.

Only then would you get the numbers necessary to cross section America as to average penile length, or the average length among Blacks, Whites and Asians. It's all in the numbers ladies, and the numbers can be fudged around a bit, played a bit, skewed a bit. But when it comes down to mean averages, you and I both know, the larger the numerical sample, the more accurate the statistic is. In reading about the numbers in the 'average' this or that study of the penis, the best I could get was 2,500 men. Is this enough for a national average, not to mention the world, or just an entirely different continent, like Asia? I think not ladies. So the answer is pretty straightforward.

I don't believe that there is a decent Male given study of penis size among men worldwide. So, is the Myth about Black men true? Well, the only reliable hobo-answer I can give is, "I have no fucking idea." I think you women should get together and make a consensus of the hundreds of dicks you've encountered. I can safely say, unless the man is gay, you ladies have seen more tube-steak than the average man. You should be able to come up with the answer yourselves. 

Also remember, we live in the Age of the Eyes. We, both men and women, are driven so much by the commercial world around us, that entices us through images sent directly to the brain through the eyes that we use our eyes for everything now. Even when making judgments concerning another human's worth, or value. It should stand to reason that this same rationale pours over into the sexes. Men ogle women's breasts and asses, women ogle dicks and muscles. So what? It's only natural to want more, bigger, firmer, taller, stronger. Why do you think ageism is such a bitch now. More and more, fueling our greed. Hey, Gecko said it best, "Greed is good." So be greedy if you like. But don't believe the hype, especially if you crawl into bed with me and expect to see some magical fire hose, because all you're going to go home with is an Oscar Meyer Wiener.

I would like to quote another person before I go, who said...

"There isn't a single person on this planet that hasn't heard general statements relating penis size to race and ethnicity. Though in some cases the generalizations are true, they are merely stereotypes. There are men in all ethnic groups that negate such generalizations."

I can only speak for the hobo dick, and I have to admit, I negate all the big dick black stereotypes out there. Why? Because God likes funny jokes? Who knows? I don't question it. Seems like cock size is a neurosis among men. I've been known to ask a woman or two was I of adequate size, but it was never to compare myself to other men that she has slept with, but rather if I was good enough to make her feel good. Because if not, I'll be back with my fucking power tools! Her ass needs some SPECIAL attention. And if she doesn't want me to use my tools...and that the problem is my little dick, well then, that's just about it. She's not for me. What am I supposed to do? Cry? Personally I really couldn't care less if every man had a dick bigger than mine. What do I care about someone else's log? I don't even want to see that shit for real. Put it in a movie with a chick and it's fine. As for me, the only concern that I have about dick is my own, and sticking my rod into something warm and wet. Good luck to those other guys.

The way I see it, guys, is that my DICK is ME. If she doesn't like my wang, then she doesn't like me. Just as if she says she doesn't like the color of my skin, the shade of my eyes, the length of my gawky arms, the out-sized paddle nature of my feet. What am I to do, chop these things off to please her? I don't think so, and I know so when it comes to my old joystick. Game over. I can feel bad about myself for other reasons than the size of my funny fork. But so far, so good. I haven't had any major complaints, or refusals to deal with my toys. I guess if you can use power tools and have a good technique, you usually don't have any problems. And if your dick doesn't get hard, well that's another story.

So, all you guys out there that continued to read my blog through all of this, I have to say, you've passed the Hobobob test of strength. I shake your hands. Well, after I've washed them of course. But now, everyone knows the hobo's reason for so many toys when it comes to sex. Sometimes they're better than having an eighteen inch tool!

Good night, and stop playing with yourself.

Hobobob