The Hum of the Air Conditioner

I'm stretched across my bed.

Half asleep, naked as the day I was born when my doorbell starts ringing off the door. I jump up, throw on some clothes and snatch open the door, ready to rail against whoever the fuck was on the other side ringing my door like a maniac.

On the other side was Nacho, the main- tenance guy. On a dolly at his feet were two, boxed air condi- tioners. "Hey!" He says with a radiant smile. "You don't want your air conditioner??!!" I look down and smile also. It is indeed very hot in my room. I let him in and over the span of a few minutes, he has the device out and into my window purring like a kitten. He hands me the remote control, and I slip him a five. Hey, I'm not rich, or I'd slip him more. If he wants to make more, get out of this psycho-ward that I call a home and work at some of these rich condos around us.

Hell, how did I get that hard hearted.

I am restless. I am full of motion. I am tired. I have nothing to do. I am pacing the room. I am laying in bed. I am full of energy. I am spent. I am a thousand caged tigers in a small space. I am alone. I'm crowded. I want to scream. I want to scream. I want to scream.

I sit down behind my computer. I feel spent. There are voices outside my door making merry. My room is cool. Maybe that's the problem. My room is uncharacteristic. I turn up the thermostat on the A/C to 80 degrees. 60 was just too low. It made the room too cold. It was noisy and I could not find rest in my own skin. But even as the temperature rose, I felt as if I was still missing something.

I had lost something dear to me. I felt it inside. It was gone, I am passionate, I am a ball of fire and yet I have been doused. I sit in front of my computer, feeling a profound sense of loss. Of dismay. The shadows creep, held darker by the trapped light of the air conditioner. I sit behind my blasted computer, keying away. I am working on things, my heart is just not in it. I'm just not there, my heart seems somewhere else.

Very few emails come in. No one is on IRC. I receive no IMs. It is lonely even on the Internet. I surf and go over job prospects. I find at least twelve for jobs in the computer networking field and fire off resumes to them. I feel productive. Tomorrow I'll do the same and see if I can land one of these jobs. Some are part time, some are full. I don't really care, as long as I can get something that might lead to something bigger. As long as my benefits hold. Just as long as my benefits hold.

Life on LUVOX is beginning to settle down. Everything that was once so frightfully new is not so new any longer. I still feel better though. There must definitely be changes going on in my brain chemistry although now I can no longer feel it. No dizziness, no headaches. I get ready for the evening, crawling into bed late and listen to the hum of the new air conditioner as it keeps the room at a a comfortable 80 degrees.

In the morning I rise at 6:30 and have fruit for breakfast. I go to my computer and check for email. I do some surfing but overall, I do nothing. The clock moves to 7:30, time for me to get ready to go to the Roach Motel. Guess what? There is not enough impetus in me to impel me to go. I crawl back into bed instead. There will soon be Hell to pay, but as I pull the sheet over my head I don't care. I feel that I've weathered the honeymoon period of my LUVOX and I will indeed go into the Motel on Monday. I just needed a solid week from them. A solid week to regroup and refresh. I'll be able to deal with them next week when I meet with this goddamn fool and that goddamned fool.

I awake and jump behind my computer once more, finding that I cannot find anything to do, which is odd for me. It really is.

I am restless. When I get this way something always comes to kick me in the teeth. I'd better get my mouthcup ready.

Hobobob