Ready to see some fireworks?
I fucked up and didn't go into FEGS on Friday. I double fucked up because I didn't go to my doctor appoint- ments on Friday. I skipped sending out a fax on Friday for Wednesday, so if you look at all the mathematics and the paperwork you have me FTC from Wednesday to Friday. I don't know what that means but that's what everything works out to.
Should I be concerned. I believe so. I really don't know what FTC means. I know every one only gives you three times for anything, so I'm most likely at the limit of whatever patience that FEGS has. The only thing that I have going for me? The massive flurry of medical excuses that I have hit them with. It'll take someone a great deal of patience to go through them one at a time and find the missing days. Although it would not surprise me that FEGS has some poor soul count the days of the hundreds of people there.
We'll see. I just didn't feel like doing anything on Friday. Nothing. I didn't even want to write on the Handbook. I have that to finish by the end of the month. Good god. I have a lot of things to finish before the end of the month. That date, July 31 will be the biggest date that I have ever faced.
Second only to the up coming Friday. About a week ago I was invited to a beach party down on Rockaway Beach by MARY- DREAMS, one of my friends on IRC. They are making this huge trip, something done yearly, down to the Brooklyn Beach. This will be one of the only times that she is going to be in my area, her and her husband, and an army of friends, and I have been invited to come. I love the idea of spending some time on a beach. I think the last time that I've been to the beach, men walked on the moon.
But I'm in no shape to be running around without a shirt. Take my word for it. I know that I have been exercising as of late, but I've got a long way to go before this body of my is in any condition for public viewing. Me in swimming trunks doesn't really happen in this lifetime. So, you can understand my reluctance in going to the beach party. Plus, it's a helluvah distance. And lastly, I have FEGS to go to that Friday. Unless it's a holiday, and I'm pretty sure that it isn't.
This isn't the only time that I've been invited to meet one of my friends on IRC. I've been missing another meet-up with CYN who is in the city often and wants to meet me at a local Starbucks, but we have not been able to get our days together.
Do I want to run into new friends? It wouldn't hurt. I spend my time on IRC a lot. It is almost my only social outlet, save for the poetry circuit. Which I also have been ignoring for too long. Just last week OBSIDIAN was featuring at PERCH and I missed going. I heard from him that they had a great time. I'm sorry that I didn't go but the brain and body was fighting an uphill battle and when that happens, I usually lose. I just can't get out of this room, and that's what LUVOX is supposed to counteract. When I'm outside, I have a wonderful time. But when I'm inside, going out seems like something impossible to do.
Unless I have a strong enough impetus, such as FEGS, which I no longer feel is strong enough. I seriously have a problem with going outside of this room. I love it here. Consider the fact of living three years without four walls and a door to shield you from another human. Consider that. It's a blow to the psyche that I don't think I've recovered from. I'm ducking friends. I'm ducking appointments. I'm not doing so well.
I have a private poetry reading coming up in a week, give or take a day, that V is throwing. I'm not prepared for that either. I've got to get my ass in gear. The only good thing about that is that it's after the First of the month. It's on the second of the month. Also, my time limit for requesting a Fair Hearing concerning the decision to go to FEGS in the first place is coming up. Do I want to take the battle to the next level. I'm thinking, but I'm am also running out of time. I don't know what the battle will entail. Do I want to fight? Can I fight? I think I can and win.
So what's holding me back? I think I can also lose. I hate losing, especially if I lose badly. It would be a cool turnaround though to take FEGS to a fair hearing for a change.
Last night I went to my feature at STARK. OBSIDIAN and I did our square off with the crowd. It's something different to see in the poetry circuit. My brother and I switching up, going one after the other, for twenty minutes, throwing out our poetry. One after the other, like machine gun blasts. It went over well with the audience. We got a thunderous applause and although it was taxing, it was also fulfilling. I was a little less afraid going up and held onto my composure better than I normally would. Yes, I found the entire experience easier to go through and I think it's because the LUVOX will not let my stress levels go too high, like it once did.
My psychiatrist told me that there are many entertainment professionals that are on LUVOX, actors, lawyers, politicians, so on so forth. I can see why. It makes your skin impenetrable. Instead of screaming out in terror, the insides are cooler, kept at a lower temperature. Today is the SHOUT OUT. Normally I would be feeling an overwhelming dread concerning going in, but today I feel somewhat calmer. Once again, I don't know if it's the drugs but I'm ready to go in.I'm ready for another day.
Let's get to it then.
Hobobob
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