The Gaping Asshole Has Spoken

Last night I wrote and wrote and wrote on my screenplay, and strangely enough I found something.

Years ago, I spent this insane amount of money on a program called "Movie Magic Screenwriter." A fabulous program that actually formats your writing into movie scripts. It's also does a shitload of other things unknown to the rank and file, but necessary to the business. All kinds of shit. I bought it because at the time I was starting to write The Farthest Reaches, but got tired of trying to learn the program and went off and wrote the screenplay in Wordperfect. I just wanted to get the work out of my head before I lost it.

Well, then shortly after that I became fucking homeless and one day, after I fell asleep in Bryant Park, Skeksies came along and stole one of my bags. Fucking cocksuckers. They saw my Alto Keyboard strapped to one of my bags and thought it was a laptop no doubt. So they swooped in while my eyes were closed in slumber and stole it. Inside of the bag was my only disk copy of Movie Magic Screenwriter.

Then, years later, I get the urge to start writing this screenplay all over again, and I just get up and kick ass with Wordperfect. The most superior word processor known to man. That fucker runs circles around Microsoft Word, backwards, with it's pants down around it's ankles. Now, while writing last night I go fishing through my programs on my laptop and lo and behold I find an installed copy of Movie Magic. What the fuck? Is that the galactic spiral trying to tell me something? I wonder. I click on the program and it comes up. The validation code has already been entered. Two scoops of shit! That's awesome. So I call up this program and search through it's many functions and found an Internet Sourcebook embedded within. I look this over too.

It's a contact sheet of Producers, Production Com- panies, Networks and blah, blah, blah to sell your  script to. I was amazed. A foot in the fucking door, right under my nose all this time. I click on the Writers Guild of America/East and ran into a fucking Catch Twenty Two right away in attempting to register as a member. Funny right. And these people have the temerity to put it in writing on their web site. What gall. I spit on them, toooey! They state clearly that you have to be a writer for a Production Company under Guild contract already to joint the Guild. So you have to have the job, and giving money to the Guild, BEFORE you can become a member to get the job and contract under the guild. What kind of bullshit is this?

Then I read articles about getting your shit recognized by television. The advice went like this, from a question from an aspiring screenwriter, Clarissa:

"I live in Chicago, but have a script for a TV show involving a [particular kind of business].  It’s a comedy. How can I send it out to LA… do I need an agent?"

"Great question, Marissa… and I want to say—before I answer—that I’m about to sound like an asshole.  But I’m going to be an honest asshole, so bear with me.  The way to get your script to L.A. is…YOU DON’T. If you want to get your pilot into the hands of producers, agents, or executives in Los Angeles, the best thing you can do… no, the only thing you can do… is MOVE TO LOS ANGELES."

Well, at least he admits that he's an asshole. I would rather think of him as a dumb fuck. That's what I'm going to call him from here on out, My Little Dumb Fuck. Why? Well, I understand that he is already in the business and it's a closed door environment that he's no doubt happy with because it a form of job security. I also appreciate his being blunt with Marissa too, well not really. He could have explained the process and ease the response to her without being so dickhead-ish. People like this need to be mugged by a group of thugs just to peg them down a notch or two. There's nothing like a good ass whipping, ending with bruises, cuts and broken bones to wake an individual up to civility and to get their heads out of their asses. That, or have a doctor break into fits of laughter while trying to tell him that his mother has just died.

My Little Dumb Fuck goes on to loving instruct this inspiring writer who has probably the best script in Hollywood, and would make the swill that he writes useless in a heartbeat (I mean, have you seen the quality of a lot of television shows this year? I'm sure My Little Dumb Fuck has a part in a lot of them). He says:

"Your ultimate goal is to land on the staff of a TV show, which means you’ll probably start as a show’s P.A… work your way over to Writers P.A… get bumped up to Writers Assistant… and then, hopefully, get promoted to Staff Writer.  (This process usually takes a minimum of 4-5 years.  But I know people who have been assistants for 9-10 years before finally staffing.)"

Ha ha ha. Yeah, don't go directly for his job because that's not the way he got it. Take the long road...so that  he can make retirement. I understand the meta-speech of people like this. They seek to protect their little world by giving advice. When asked they say: "Well, that's how I did it." Maybe you did it the wrong way My Little Dumb Fuck.

His final assessment after shooting Marissa down with this is:

"So while I know none of this is what you were hoping to hear, don’t give up  If you can’t get out to L.A. immediately, start your next script… and then the next… and then the next… so when you do get out here, you’re armed with the best TV scripts this town has ever seen! Also, at the risk of sounding self-promotional, check out [Blah, Blah Blah. Stupid assed book title deleted], my book which goes into great (but reader-friendly) detail about how the TV industry works and how to break in as a writer.  It’ll teach you everything you need to know… and why most writers fail.  (I’m not doing this to push the book—I think, especially in your case, it’ll be a useful resource.)"

Ha ha ha! So he's not suggesting his book to push it. Then why do you have to say you're not? Because it's so self- serving isn't it? So, he says: Keep writing Marissa, over and over until you get here to spend over ten years before you become valid competition for me. Get real My Little Dumb Fuck. Who would ever believe you? You've trapped yourself in your own web. This is the dumbest advice that I've read in my life. It makes me sad how so many people, so desperate to keep their jobs in this sagging economy will stoop so low to keep employed. You think the bastards on your job are cutthroat bitches. Look at this so called creative, supportive community, where 'talent' is supposed to be currency, and not who you blow.

This poor person fails to realize that every BUSINESS is money driven. I should know. I ran one for five years. The big ship turns where the wind goes. If Listerine makes a mouthwash that's made of shit, and tries to sell it, do you think they would have the exalted impression that 'this is like it is'? Or will society vote with their dollars, forcing them, as a business to either make a better mouthwash somehow, or crumble all together.

Everyone knows that the Networks are suffering now. They're having their asses handed to them by progressive cable television, the Internet, and now even telephone companies vying for those precious marketing dollars. The networks want...no NEED good scripts and good writers to keep paying expensive but not worth the money smart asses like you My Little Dumb Fuck. Television is drawing all of it's talent from California, and sorrily the television shows that are popping up are shit. If their ratings plummet, their bottom line plummets. People will just stop watching their network if the shows coming out of California stink. Then advertisers will stop paying for advertising. Then networks will stop generating money and YOU MY FRIEND WILL STOP GETTING PAID.

Sorry, that's the deal, asshole (Hey, he called himself, not me). A blog comment went this way for My Little Dumb Fuck:

billy joe says:
October 18, 2010 at 10:02 pm

"It’s people like you [My Little Dumb Fuck] who continue the current industry model. To all aspiring story tellers: be brave, be different, be creative. You’re not in this business because you’re ordinary. You’re exceptional, act like it. Think of new ways to get your ideas out there. Its increasingly affordable to learn, and practice these things. The old “Hollywood” is scared of the new wave of “do it yourself” artists. We are the next generation of filmmakers and story tellers with skills to edit, write, shoot AND distribute our own work. Keep writing, keep creating and keep dreaming. The change is coming, we need your ideas."

Go Billy Joe! That's the fucking spirit!. That's exactly how I feel. Pound for pound I KNOW I can beat My Little Dumb Fuck under the table if we had a story face off. And guess what? I'm willing to put it all out there for a shot at it. I'll trade My Little Dumb Fuck for everything he owns, basically turning him into me, and in exchange if I lose, I'll end my life. It would be a win, win for this guy! He can't lose. He'll still gets to live! I would really jump at the chance.

I sit back and steam over this fuck. Really now. Although I do get online, surf to the New York Public Library and order the book online to appear at the library just down the block from me (convenient isn't it?) so that I can borrow and read it. I've always read differing opinions to mine if I am interested at all in the subject. And this subject I'm interested in. Then I went back to this so called blog for Screenwriters. I shake my head, really.

And then...in the corner. Small and insignificant is an ad for the NYTF.

The New York Television Festival. What? I click on it. This website seems interesting. It says:

"The NYTVF was founded in 2005 as the industry's first recognized independent television festival, providing a platform to elevate the work of artists creating for the small screen. Held annually each fall in New York City...the Festival unites artists, executives, industry figures, and fans together in one forum.... The NYTVF's Independent Pilot Competition has established a pipeline allowing producers, writers, and directors to showcase their original TV pilots directly to the decision-makers of the industry. In its first three years, the Festival has featured acclaimed independent pilots that were purchased by networks such as NBC Universal, A&E, and Versus, and that landed a number of TV producers and creators in meetings with major networks and production companies. The NYTVF offers the next generation of storytellers unprecedented access to development executives and producers looking for the next hit show."

Ha ha ha....HEY MY LITTLE DUMB FUCK, did you see this? IF I can make it there, I can make it any- where... it's up to you New York, Neeeew Yooooork! Tell 'em Frankie! Well, of course I signed up and intend to see how I can get involved...from home of course. But I'm a fighter. I'll see this one through. It makes me feel good that when people suck, the Internet can make them look even more stupider.

And My Little Dumb Fuck, you suck. Be glad I didn't use your real name or the name of your stupid book, because I want you and it to fade into fucking obscurity. Bye bye guy. Plus, if you could see the face of this dude, he doesn't look a day over 28.

Well. I'm going to get back on my screenplay. I have a lot of work to do.

Hobobob