Playing With Your Organ

I'm sitting in the dark again.

No, not miserable.

Relaxing. I'm like the Abominable Dr. Phibes. I get a real kick out of playing my church sized pipe organ, rocking back and forth as I play out some of the most frightening melodious music while I'm torturing some poor victim in a horrible trap of death. A trap where they have to kill themselves in order to survive.

Hell, with my luck I would probably be the victim, being bitten by poisonous spiders, and having to stick my head through a guillotine to drink of the antidote. Dr Phibes, with Vincent Price made SAW look like a joke. Phibes was a real bastid, because he GAVE YOU THE IMPRESSION that you had a chance. A slim one, but it was a chance to survive, until you found out too late. Like that antidote was on a counterbalance so when you lifted it up with your mouth, it would release the guillotine's blade.

Now that's a bastid. He did that shit to men AND women too. All because these people killed the wife he loved. I guess you can tell that I used to like old movies when I was a kid. Especially horror movies. I would love to get scared. LOVE IT. My friend's father would play boogyman and chase us around the bedroom, and we would dive under the covers to escape. Later, I used to like rollercoasters. The scarier the better.

We do that when we're young because we haven't learned yet that we are mortal. Young people actually believe that they will live forever. And that they'll be young forever. That they'll reach an age where beauty will never fade, strength will never wane, vigor will never grow lax. NO, they live in a state of eternal bliss where youth is king. But time does a number on them, as it did us, and as it has done our parents. Mortality sets in, and we DON'T LIKE BEING SCARED anymore. We don't dig looking older. We don't care for seeing friends pass away. Especially when they start, and we start to hate seeing bad things happen to people.

No, we like for things to stay the same, we like for security, for stability. We seek comfort and shelter and warmth. HEY, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But what's scary is when we are faced with the loss of these things, or others losing them. Not our lives, no, we know that will happen to us sooner or later. Mostly later. No, our comfortable surroundings. There are going to be some scary assed times that many of us will be facing when it comes to things like our comfortable world around us. Shit, I STILL DO. I've grown accustomed to warmth, privacy and shelter in only three months. How's that for growing soft? This zone of comfort around me is being threatened and that shit is scary, it worries me.

My point is, and I've made it time and time again. It's survivable. Unlike a Dr. Phibes trap, death is not the only alternative. Shit, many people think so, and are out there off-ing themselves or themselves and their families, or even planning that shit, like it's a logical solution. But the truth of the matter is is that everything is survivable.

And whose to say you will not experience a liberation. A swift blow to the skull that changes your perception completely. Something that I did after two years of living on the streets like a bum, without a penny in my pocket. I maintained. I didn't turn into a skek, but Hell, I was one more nervous breakdown from becoming one. And now, I look at my life, and I feel as if I'm doing something that I've always wanted to do, but just couldn't. I had too many 'things' in my path that had to be ripped away before I could pursue another life. Yes, that's right, sometimes we don't see the path, but we have to continue to walk. Sometimes we dont' know the outcome, but we have to continue to move forward.

That's all we can do. And that's why we grow old. And that's why our hair turns gray, and our skin sags, breasts drop, ass falls, hair comes out, dick hangs. WE move forward. It's up to us to accept or take challenges. And not to be afraid. I need to take my own advice here and NOT WORRY. Catastrophize. LET EVERYTHING HAPPEN. Stop trying to control everything, because sometimes, like a rollercoaster, like Dr. Phibes, we can't control the external. It's going to go on, with or without us. We'll just have to deal with its outcome.

Like Tyler Durden in Fight Club. Just LET IT GO. Take off your shirt, square off with your fellow man, or in this case the obstacles that you face, and go at it. Whatever happens happens. You have no control over it's outcome, you just have to deal with it. And realize the rules of Fight Club, especially the SEVENTH RULE: Fights will go on as LONG AS THEY HAVE TO.

Meaning you're going to pass through whatever you face in its totality baby. You are going to be extruded like shit, and come out the asshole end, but you WILL come out. I promise you that. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes even a better life. I would never have thought that. Being a beat-poet and Bohemian. Living the lifestyle of a beatnik, doing the things that I want to do for a change instead of all the things that I had to at one time, that I thought was so, so important.

Tomorrow, the sun will rise, and if I do too, I'll make coffee, sit behind my laptop and write emails. Later I'll go to the SHOUT OUT, and afterward, a costume a party in Brooklyn. I'm going as a beatnik, bohemian poet. Tonight, I'm going to sit naked in front of my laptop and write. Stories, my blog, emails and IMs. I'm going to make myself busy. I'll rock back and forth in front of my keyboard, as if playing my church organ. Raising scary melodies into the air. Maybe even scare the shit out of myself as I do.

I'm going to try and not be the victim in a trap of doom, and just let it all go. Whatever happens, happens.

I want to be Dr. Phibes.
And get the hot chic at the end.

Hobobob