Meal In, Meal Out

I feel like I'm getting fatter.

I've been a human vacuum since I've moved in. I can't stop eating everything in the apartment. I've bought some snacks, some drinks, but I've ripped through them all in just two sittings. That's all I do when I'm here, eat, sleep and type on the computer.

Oh, and fuck up toilets.

Yeah, that's right. Keep me away from your toilets. I'm brutal. First, I'll have you know that I'm back on the motherfucking COLCHICINE. Yeah, my gout started kicking again. Painful little fucker, it feels like you've broken your big toe. And it always happens to me right after I eat sardines in soy bean oil. I'm seriously beginning to think that there's a connection here. Me and soybean oil just don't mix.

Well, you remember the story behind COLCHICINE right? Keep taking until loose stool. So I'm thinking that today, while I'm vacuuming up food, I'll have to make a run for it because I'll soon be experiencing loose stool. Shit, in fact, I'm kinda looking forward to it. My gout had cleared up pretty fast so that means that it would be time for the blessed event. So, I grab my toilet tissue and head for the Head, whistling 'Bridge on the River Kwai'. It's time to get to work. But as soon as I took a seat on the throne I knew that there was going to be trouble.

My movement was larger than my asshole. Yep, that shit was huge, solid and not going anywhere. I was thinking: What the fuck happened to my beloved loose stool?? I pushed like a woman giving birth, and cried like one too. Jeezus this fucker was big. I did everything short of blowing a gasket. I turned on the water, thought about things in motion. I even whistled 'Bridge on the River Kwai!'

But came the moment of truth. Wiping away the sweat from my brow I focused on the task at hand and pushed, and it's hard to describe it but it's like an uphill battle until a certain point, where it turns into a downhill passage. You endure it as it gets easier and easier until with a plop it's over. Fuck me! Well, it kinda felt like I would suppose it to feel like, because my ass was killing me. What the Hell happened to my loose stool? And then I remembered: I was drinking Jack Daniels last night and vacuuming up cheese. Everyone knows the binding nature of cheese, but very few are aware of the similar power in Jack Daniels. I remember how I wouldn't shit for days while drinking that stuff. Seriously. Mixing the both of them together would be my undoing. I flushed the toilet and went again. Everything on the tail end of that first fish was easier to reel in.

Then after wiping my ass, flushing the toilet, pulling up my slacks and turning to close the top of the bowl, I was greeted by a toilet filled with brown water, toilet paper and solids swirling inside. What? I kept flushing to send everything down in small pieces. And here I have a stopped up toilet? I look around for the plunger and could find none. What in the...? The water seeped into the bowl, the water level inside dropping until everything collected and settled and the lowest point in the bowl. Now I surmised, being the award winning plumber that I am, that there must be some weakness in whatever was stopping the bowl and another flush should dislodge it. So...I give it a flush, and up comes the toilet paper, matter and brown water once more. It steadily rises and I panic, as it rose to crest the edge of the bowl, and then, it just stopped short.

That was fucking enough for me. I washed my hands and took out of there like a bat out of Hell. I'm slow and tired. Taking a pause from my vacuuming of food, I crawl into bed and go back to sleep, only to be awakened by an obnoxious buzzer. It wasn't the 'bong' of the doorbell, it was more like the buzz from an enormous bee, but brief. I slip out of the bed and look around until I find a silver box, flat against the wall. Arrayed across the bottom, beneath a grill, were three buttons which read, Talk, Listen, Door, in that order. I pressed the listen button and got someone talking with a mouth full of marbles: "Come... dinner...giving."

Whatever that meant. I crawled back into bed and went back to sleep. I work up around three O'clock and grabbed my laptop, carefully packing it up into my back pack and headed out of the door. Taking the elevator down, I waited until the door opened and lo and behold is a line of people waiting patiently for the elevator. Everyone in the line held up a plate of turkey dinner piled high. I walk down the hall and pass the rec center on the right where two women are standing. "Are you joining us for dinner?" No thank you. I peek into the rec center and find it packed with dining individuals. The breath rushes from my lungs. I don't deal too well with crowds of people in tight spaces.

I keep walking and head out the front door. I struck out into the not so cold afternoon and down to the Way. I was heading to the library.

Hobobob