Making the Same Mistakes

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I got up to the alarm going off at bed one again.

Well, that's not actually true. I awoke for the third time this morning, and to keep from drifting back off to sleep I turned on Stone Temple Pilots, in my ears. The blaring guitar licks and pounding drum beats in my head made it impossible for me to fall back to sleep. I sat up, slipped over to the edge of my bed and watched as Robert thrashed awake, kicking and swinging his arm as he sat up across from me and stared into my face.

His features were stilled mangled by sleep, and he mouthed something, but I could not hear him through the music. I pulled one of the speakers from my ear and the next time he repeated himself, I could hear him.

"Fucking alarm," he growled.
That's when I heard the shrill peal of the alarm clock going off at bed number one. Robert got up, but this time he didn't wake the sleeper in bed one, but instead went to the bathroom. Paul the Stooge rose up in his bed, frowning. "Could you turn off the alarm?" He calls out into the air, but there is no one awake to hear him. Paul the Stooge, true to his Stooge fashion, lays back down in his bed and rolls over.

I wait for my meds again. Wait. There's nothing to do here but wait on stupid lines. That's why I don't eat in this place. It's just another line. When I get to my meds, I'm shown all of the pills that I don't have. Most of them are my head meds. That's another great thing about this. They show you that you're finished the day you're finished. They want you to run out of meds here, so that you'll SCHNAPP and they'll dump your ass at Bellevue Sanitarium. And you know what that means...oblivion.

But that's alright. I'll have my prescriptions in another few days. Watch these bitches loose them all like they normally do.

I hit the Way with my camera and try futility to take a picture of the front of the train slipping past. Shot after shot the shutter of my camera moves too slow and resets even slower. Train after train goes by without my getting the shot that I wanted. In frustration I give up and leave for uptown.

I get to...you know where... that's right, Starbucks after literally fighting through the rush hour crowds. I'm going to start walking uptown like I used to, but today is a no go. My bunion is starting to hurt me. But my doctor even wants me to walk, so I'm going to walk sooner or later. Sooner than later.

I set up my baby and get online. That's the first thing that I do. I compile my article and pull photos from my digital camera to go with it, and sent them on. One day before the deadline. Yes. I also get an email from Electra. She is doing fine and is in New Jersey so there was no need for the worry.

I get to the library and find her again not there, but some other yokel in her seat. I have to find another. I laugh. My brother has a saying: Homeless people frequent a place so often that they get the impression that they own the place. Because the place is our home, per se, we get territorial. Anything out of place, anything in our spot, causes us to chafe and go to the management or security manager to correct. That's exactly how I was feeling when I saw this jerk in Electra's chair. I find another seat and make myself comfortable.

"Are you on your Abilify?" Dr L asks me with her sweet little voice. No, I've ran out of it. I'm waiting to meet with Nurse G to get some more." Dr. L. shakes her head mournfully. "How is your sleep? Are you sleeping well?" No, I've been getting up hourly. I thought it was because I had to urinate. She continues to shake her head. "Your sleep will get progressively worse and worse until you get back on the Abilify." Really? "And you'll start probably seeing more and more things." That's great. "Do you want a prescription now?" No, I'll see Nurse G tomorrow. I think I can wait another day. If I see a marching band go by tonight I won't give a fuck. I'll know where it's coming from. "You DON'T want to see a marching band," she smiles at my joke.

I've got to get my hands on my Abilify. Soon. I don't want to see more shit, that's for sure. That's the breaks. Once you start taking that shit, the worse you get. Like I said, it was because of alcohol that I started seeing things, but I think Abilify just reinforced it. Now it's because of Abilify that I'M NOT SEEING THINGS! Shades of difference, but still I think all of these head meds are up to no good in the long run. I'm going to wean myself off these motherfuckers when I get the chance.

I head back to Starbucks and get online, working into the early evening to when my brother joins me. We bullshit and read and I write. The night stretches and ends.

It's time to return to the Box.

How wonderful.

Hb