Poppin' Pills

I don't want a drink. Not at all.

Not even a sniff. I don't even want a beer. Haven't even thought of it. And that shit scares me. It really does, because it feels like an integral part of my life has been removed. My drinking felt like me. It was what I did and was. I feel like a piece of me was removed. But removed it was, surgically like a fucking cancer. My doctor raised my NALTRAXONE recently and with it went all of my cravings. This motherfucker has actually found the cure for alcoholism. Not that I classify myself all that much of an alcoholic, and more of an alcohol abuser, but this shit actually works. I'm divorced from my past desires.

You may think that this is good, but I find it false. Once again people with pills are making decisions for me. Once again I'm moving further and further away from my personality, no matter how chemically based in unbalanced hormones that it was, and into this new...drone. I'm beginning to doubt that the so called good that ABILIFY does when it comes to drowning out the voices in my head is actually a creative force that I used to control with alcohol.

I spoke to my psychiatrist about the voices, which are quiet now. I spoke to her and she seemed to be confused as to my answers. She kept asking me if the voices are in another tone, another voice, if the voices ever instructed me to do something immoral, to kill myself, to hurt others? No, I reply. They instruct me to write. They become characters, with their own personalities, their own back-stories, they write stories for me. They are all in my voice, but yes a different tenor.

Now, without them it's harder to write. Alcohol gave them the freedom to exist.

I read a college paper on Alcohol and writers, and it brought out how many of the great writers of the twentieth century drank. Some were brutal alcoholics. Do you get where I'm going to with this? Is it normal to be doped out of your head on drugs when it might be doing something of a disservice. When it is drowning out some natural ability? Some normal functioning? OR maybe some abnormally normal function?

I was perfectly normal in my book when I walked into the Box and their battery of doctors. I was just fine. I submitted to their drugs and alcohol testing JUST TO GET AN APARTMENT. Not to change myself. I don't want drugs in my bloodstream unless you can prove to me that they belong there. I'm not all that certain that I want to trade alcohol with drugs.

It's not my bag. I can take drugs on my own if I wanted to. I would take them to get happy, not to alter my primary personality.

Another thing, I know that there are many a disturbed person out there that is on medication and when on it for a period of time they believe that they are normal normally. I wonder if that sounds right? They belive that they are alright after a period of time, and no longer see the need of their medication, and stop taking it. I even KNOW some unbalanced people who are that way. One way they're literally nuts, and the other way they are like you and me.

But I KNOW THE MAN THAT I WAS. I was uniquely familiar with him before. I don't like the man that I am much. He's TOO not like me. If you can understand my bifurcation of I/Me. That's how apart we are. That I can speak of me now as if I was an entirely different person, because I believe that I am.

Well, that's enough of my drugs and my dilemma. I'm just going to stop taking everything except my blood pressure medicines once I leave the Box and we'll see what happens then. If the me before is intolerable, then I'll go back on them. Simple plan. Plus I'll lose this fucking weight. Better plan.

I just need my freedom to be me. I didn't sign on to sell it just because I want to live in a room by myself. An apartment. I don't need to be medicated to face this life. Not by alcohol, not by a boatload of drugs either. The mess of them. They're not needed. My doctor may be a motherfucking genius, and indeed he is, but I don't want to be medicated off my alcohol any longer. I want it to stop when I leave the Box.

Again, I am forced to do something that I don't want for something that I do. One more drink and I'm faced with Twenty Eight Upstate. One more drink. I need NALTRAXONE now to make it. But when this is done. I'm done.

I look forward to the end of it all.
I know that some of you are worried about that, but I'm not.

I want to return to who I was, not where I was.

I'll win in the long run, because I'm the one with nothing much to lose.

It's good to be the underdog.

Hobobob