The Churches of Laughter and Tears

Fucking Skeksies are two things, 1) stupid, and 2) broke.

Now I'm not saying that I'm a rich man. Shit no. Far from it in fact. But when I run out of money, except when it comes to my downstairs neighbor helping me with a little cash for my Internet connection, I never beg money from strangers. I may mooch off of friend, but never panhandle. Is that a plus for me? Fuck no. It doesn't make me a better person than a Skek, just smarter.

Doesn't smarter mean better? Hell no. Who raised you? A better person is one of greater value to the human race. Just because you are not a MENSA high scorer, doesn't mean you have no value. Skeks are human beings, even in the loosest sense. They are just stupid. Well, you might ask, what do I mean by stupid and broke. Well my trusty compatriots, you KNOW that I am a social deviant. I'm definitely anti-social. It doesn't mean that I am mean and nasty to people, I just avoid them, and I hate it dearly when they desire to strike up conversations with me. LEAF ME THA FUK LONE!!!

Now can I say that I'm nasty to people? To some, it might seem that way. They'll walk into the elevator and see me and say Hi, under their breaths and I'll just ignore them. Oh shit, Hobobob. You can't even say Hi to your fellowman? Oh, I see. You've never said Hi to a Skeksie before. Here is the boldfaced truth. A Skek wouldn't spit in your face if your teeth were on fire. They would want absolutely nothing to do with you because these puppies actually hate you. But if they need money, they'll be cordial. You'll get into the elevator and they'll walk in right behind you and say: "Hi." And you'll reply, "hi". And they'll say, "Nice day out, huh?" And you'll say, "Yes it is." And they'll ask, "Hey, would you happen to have some spare change?"

That's how it goes. Anytime they say hello to you, they want to hit you up for some money. So I avoid that shit. Or they could be like Richie, across the hall. This fuck will say hi to you just to get your ear. This motherfucker will NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP. You yank on the T handled cord behind his back a few times, kicking in the gas driven starter and he'll whirl like a lawn mower. He will grab you by your arm if you attempt to walk away, put his foot in your door, run behind you, follow you, talk to you through a closed bathroom door. This fuckbrain is relentless. And if you were having a conversation with him I could see standing for long hours speaking to him. But no. You can never get in a word edgewise. You spend your entire time with him listening to his sermons and pontificating.

The reason for this is that he KNOWS if you can get ONE opportunity to speak, you'll tell him that you have to go now. To me, this is a fate worse than handing him some change. I'll pay him to go take a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut. Or take a long shit skid over a short pier into fire. Will he listen though? Don't bet the home on it. This blitzy blaugh will not only keep his grill in your face, but run around with you until you are forced to be nasty just to make his ugly ass go away. Then, to him, you are a nasty person. That's why I couldn't care less. But now, the stupidity of Skeks.

Take this one shitheaded Skek. A short woman who looks like a dried up human, dressed in clothes...oh, much like mine. Shit given to her from the corner church. Oh...just like mine. And an Aunt Jemimah dew rag over her head. Every time she walks into the elevator and I'm standing inside, she looks up and says hello. I ignore her, looking up as the numbers change on the floor indicator over the door. She is embarrassed? Maybe. I don't give a fuck. Maybe next time she'll leave me alone.

Oh, you think this lesson is learned, right? Nope. She goes on and on with this every time she sees me and I treat her the same each time, hoping beyond hope that my lesson pierces the veil of stupidity over her eyes. Here's the question for you though: Who's the stupid one? If you guessed me, you guessed right. Last night I was watching 24...which I would like to go into later...and I had the craving for a cake. Yeah, out of the clear blue sky. I wanted a cake. A carrot cake. I looked at the clock. It was two in the morning. Sleep was never coming to me, so why not go outside and get a piece of cake? There is an all night deli two doors down from me, so why not go there?

I get dressed. I don't know why. Nobody is up at Two in the morning. But I do. I walk down joyously naked and quiet halls, an empty elevator, and into a vacant lobby. Even the security guard in the front is fast asleep. I walk outside, uptown, two doors and into the deli. The deli man is asleep in a chair behind the counter. A Mexican is in the back, hard at work as usual. I go to a rack, snatch up a small carrot cake and slam change on the counter to wake the cashier. Upon leaving the deli, the little dried up human is standing outside. The only motherfucker on the street. Shit, except for two cars sliding down the night street, she is the only human in the world standing around.

"Hello young man," she says to me. I stop, but not because of her greeting, but because SHE WAS THE ONLY FUCK ON THE STREET at this time of the night. Astonishing. Other than me, but you already know that I am a fuck, so we can exclude me. I look at her quizzically. "Do you have some spare change?" She asks. Now, my face turns incredulous. I can't believe her. I never speak to her, and now she thinks we have some sort of rapport? Delusional to say the least, but concreting my observation that a Skek that greets you has only one thing on their mind. Hitting you up for cash.

Needless to say I walked off without saying a word, hoping that she would not follow. It happens to me all of the time, so my advice to you laymen out there. If a homeless person says hi to you, know for certain that they'll hit you up for money.

Now, about 24.

Have you ever seen Jack Bauer in action? He's a federal agent for a fictitious agency, which might not be so fictitious, called CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit). They work just above the law to deal with terrorism, and when I say above the law, I mean, if they get their hands on you, you can forget your lawyer. You're fucked. But I like the idea of risking it all for this country. America, the idea of the land of the free and the home of the brave. Shit, I hate life or living that is. If I want to die so bad, why not die for this country. Shit. I'd love to do that. Have ol' Uncle Sam train me. I'd go through boot camp, weapons training, martial arts training, bomb disposal, sharp shooting, extreme survival skills, the whole fricking Nine!

Train me Uncle Sam. I'll go out to Afghanistan or Yemen, or some other shithole on some fucked up one way mission. I'd do that shit in a heartbeat. I get to fuck up people before buying the farm too? Hell, that's Heaven. I would go on these missions and laugh my ass off if I survived and ask for ANOTHER fucking one. I want some death, baby! Mine or someone else's. Not that I want to kill people. I want to put down EVIL motherfuckers or die trying. Like if you had given me the chance to kill those 9/11 hijackers...do you think I'd pause to think? I don't think so.

But the real joy is not just fighting cocksucking Terrorists, but dying for something bigger than nothing. I could end life here in this tiny room, a nothing to society, possibly nothing to most everyone, but if I put on a gun and a grenade for Uncle Sam, I would be proud to do something for it. Fuck me up some Terrorists and sing the Star Spangled Banner over their corpses. Maybe even take a leak.

Hey, I'm a little cracked over this. I just love 24 so much. It makes me feel good to see Jack Bauer beat the shit out of those guys. Even the home-grown terrorists. The Ruskies, the Germans, the corporate conglomerates, the English factions...all of those guys who kill innocent women and children...shit, and men too. I think that's just as bad if you ask me. That's why I like the phrase "Men, women and children," other than "women and children", because men can be innocent too. I would never shoot a man without a gun, and one pointed at me. Well, maybe let's not get out of hand. I want one up on your ass. If you don't drop it, I'll shoot you. You might be faster than me if I let you continue to hold it. BUT, I'd never shoot an unarmed man, unless he tried to come at me.

But an UN-armed Terrorist? I'd shoot him right in the stomach before even saying hi, and watch him bleed out, sticking my finger quickly into the wound. I'd tell him that I'm trying to get the bullet out and stop the bleeding, but I will be pushing it further into his body. Hee hee. I'd love to see him suffer before he dies. And like Jack Bauer, I'd beg paramedics to keep him alive, and then torture him all over again when he gains his strength. I'm not bad, I can just be an evil asshole sometimes.

I don't know why I'm so fixated on Terrorists.

I just love to see them getting hurt. They've hurt so many people. They are the face of evil. Evil motherfuckers who plan to place bombs on cargo planes and blow them up over American cities. All of them crawling around in Yemen like cockroaches on a piece of chicken left overnight on the kitchen floor, hiding behind innocent Yemeni men, women and children.

Real proud of ya! Fighting for your fucked up causes.

Never forget 9/11!

Hobobob