Statistics are fun

Welcome Saudi Arabia!

What? I can't welcome an oil rich country? Why not? "Hobobob, why the Hell are you welcoming Saudi Arabia?" Well, get this. For years...and I do mean years, since I've been writing this blog I've had to go to outside sources to get my hands on a site counter. You know, those lovely programs that track your hits and other interesting and various information. For a very simple counter and simple stats you can usually get it for free. If you want more detail, you have to pay for it. So just the other day, when I was writing a post I noticed that on the top of my editing page was an added tab for the site control...call STATS.

STATS? What the fuck? So, I click on it and Blogger is now giving its Blogmasters detailed stats on their blogs. Detail which would have cost me hundreds of dollars if I paid for it from some third party sources. So, I started going over my stats, and my jaw dropped. Firstly, at September 8th of this year, when I wasn't really posting shit, I had 63 people that came and viewed my blog. That's interesting because these people were probably my core readers who always check to see if I am blogging, or have subscribed to the blog itself. Then, I started up again and steadily, with a rapid kind of rise, by October 5th my page views had risen to 631 people stopping by. Wow.

A steady pace upwards to be sure. And although 970 readers dropped in from the United States alone this week (yeah, just this week alone-just five days counting), the next runner up of hits was...you guessed it, Saudi Arabia! Can you image that? Saudi Arabia. So, welcome to the underbelly of New York City Saudi Arabia!! Next comes Great Britain, Germany, blah, blah, blah. Kinda funny huh? And I've got even more startling news from the statistics front.

You know that a blog is basically composed of a string of posts, like beads on a necklace. One after the other. This damn counter from Blogger also keeps track of what posts drew the most readers. I betcha can't guess what was the all time, out of control, way in the lead post was? Give up? December 24th's, 2009 - Broke Dick Bitch. If any of my faithful readers can remember that one, that post was my all time highest filled with pics containing penises and blowjobs. Can you believe that? 2,051 page views between September 8th and October 8th, this year. Well...I guess when I get down to the nitty-gritty, I get people's attention.

The next runner up post, August 26, 2009 was Some Sleep Is Beneficial, scoring only 630 page views in the same duration. Unfortunately, there was only one clitoris in this post. Too bad. If I had used more, I probably would have gotten more hits. Wow, stats are fun, right? Well, check this out...all of my readers are coming from Google Searches from all over the fucking planet. I mean it, EVERYWHERE! Turkey, the Arab Emirates, Austria, etc. They are putting search terms into a Google search field and getting my blog. The number three most used search term? HOBOBOB. Yep, my name. With HOBO BOB being the seventh highest term. Thousands and thousands of people are searching the Internet just for my name. Goes to prove that with a little radio exposure and BAM, you're a marked homeless person for life.

What's really mind boggling is that the number one most used search term to find my blog is...(Drum Roll Please) ...SHOW ME. Wow, right? Who would ever think to put in the words 'show me' to find my blog? Fascinating. Want a few more fun facts? Well NO. I'm not giving you any more. I'll save the really weird stuff for a later post. Just to keep you all in suspense. Till then, I have to talk to those among you who have been trying to help me interpret my drug induced dreams. I'm telling you, I've gotten off the LUVOX and STILL I have the very, very real, very disturbing dreams.

How about this one? I wake up in bed. Exactly... get this ...EXACTLY like I should. Like I do every day. I open one eye. Then I open the other, and then toss the covers aside and slip my legs off the side of the bed. I stand, take in the room and next to the front door, on the light switch, is a paper Christmas ornament hanging down from a gold string. At first I wonder how did it get there. Did I leave the fucking door unlocked last night and someone reached in and hung it there? No...the door was locked. I walk over to the ornament, take it away and study it. It's like an origami of a pyramidal stack of Christmas gift boxes. It's beauty and complexity amazes me.

Then I turn around and in the center of my room there is a big assed, silver Christmas tree. With ornaments and a star on top, glittering as if star speckled. Now, I don't know what you may think...but, let me ask you...if you turned around right now, in your room, and there was this big fucking bright-assed Christmas tree behind you, would you be merry? Or would that shit scare the living fuck out of you? Well, let me tell you what happened to me, because this shit defied all logic and reason. How in the fuck did this thing just appear behind me?

I shat toilet paper! The fear in me was so great that my entire body turned cold, and my heart stopped in my chest and became a fireball. I jerked up in bed screaming so loud that only dogs could hear me. Can you believe that? Scared shitless over a Christmas tree. What is this? Santaphobia? Shit, I swear to god that if I never see another Christmas tree, it will be too soon.

I really don't know what to tell you. Since the end of September till now I have been the man about town. I've seen so much of my old life that it almost felt as if I was living again. Three days in September found me running around with Heaven. If I told you what that was you would obviously believe that I found something similar to the Brown World. Maybe a drug induced trance. I found myself almost everywhere in the city. Nice restaurants, gardens, museums, jazz clubs, lounges. Shit, everywhere that you would think would frighten the shit out of me...I was there. It seems that when I'm with Heaven, the world around me just melts away.

Then, a couple of days back, I hung out with DJ. It was his birthday so we got together, ate and then proved to each other that we need to play pool more often to build up our skills. I don't want to say that we suck at pool, but we suck at pool. Good thing some hot women didn't come up to us and challenge us to a game, because I can tell you now...bet against us. Although this would still not be a washout for us. Have you ever watched a woman play pool? Have you? Shit, leaning, stretching, bending...just standing there holding that pool stick...dig it..."Stick". It's like watching porn. If you don't want to fuck her BEFORE you walked into that pool hall, you definitely WILL want to fuck her eyeballs out when you leave.

Fuck her eyeballs out? Why do I describe sex so violently at times? I don't really know. That's probably another reason why I need therapy.

THEN, my old workmates got together ...my runnin' crew! You know, BB, KC, Drew and Cy. We hung out, did some eating and talking, and I kicked in my basic food group that has kept me alive for quite some time. My staple diet at one time...Jack Daniels. Oh yeah. I haven't had my dose of rocket fuel in some time because that shit is prohibitively expensive. Good for me KC was buying and I was flying! Hey, don't start that shit and call him some kind of Enabler, like you're some sort of psychiatrist because if you are, get in touch with me and hear my REAL problems, and get the fuck off my drinking. No, he and BB are true friends who give me exactly what I need when I need it. Years ago, they hooked me up with vital aid packages filled with the gear that I needed to make it through the tough times in homelessness. Were any of you there? You don't believe me? Click on the 2006 link to your right and read the 212 posts there and trust me, you'll speak the fucking language.

Suffice it to say, since I've been drinking these past few days I have not been posting. I know you all thought that I had stopped but NOPE. Me still here. Just recovering night after night. Before, when I was in Full Swing, I had to recover every night from drinking JD, until I found the perfect solution for the 'Morning After' sickness that one feels when they wake up, sobering from a night of drinking. What was that? Never stop drinking. Oh, you think I'm joking right? You think that shit's funny? I am deadly serious. I used to call it My Pick Me Up. I would wake up in the morning feeling sick and dizzy, the world at a maddening slant.

My eyes would creek open like rusty doors. It would take me five minutes just to realize where I was, and each time you pray that you are somewhere in your home. The bed, the couch, the bathtub, the fucking kitchen floor. Just somewhere in your house. Once that was established I would stagger, using the walls as support, to the kitchen where I started to leave a six pack of beer. Now I don't like beer much at all, but to cut the edge off a hangover, it was a miracle cure. That was until my self medicating with Jack and cigarettes got more and more severe. So severe that at one time it stopped every organ in my body...including my heart. But that's another story.

Like I was saying, a beer in the morning would cut the edge off of my hangover and I would soon be able to take a shower, take a shave and kick that naked chick, whose name I never knew, out of my bed and my apartment. After fucking me, she could have gotten up and robbed me of everything I owned, but I didn't give a fuck. Shit, go ahead. I hoped they would take my ex-wife's shit out of here. I got what I wanted. Another human being to vent my rage and anger upon. A twisted sense of leveling the scales between life and death, Good and Bad, Whoredom and soullessness. Whatever I gave them, it was never sex. Whatever I was doing...it was never even a physical coupling. Whatever they were deriving from it...their souls were just as vacant of my own because I gave nothing...I had nothing. I held no remorse, nor guilt, nor shame. They were dark holes that I poured my bile into. God forgive my past.

Going on. I found that the beer, every morning, when I woke up was making me more sick than able. That was because I was mixing explosives with bleach so to speak. It you're going to spend the night gulping down nitroglycerin, you'd been do the same in the morning to cope with it. This was better too. All I needed to do was buy a half pint of Jack Daniels and put it in my back pocket or next to my bed so that when I woke up, all I had to do was reach and drink to cut the hangover. When this occurs to you on a daily basis, whereupon you say goodbye to even the concept of sobriety...THAT'S when you are in trouble.

Believe me...next stop...a Hell you've never known or imagined. You will not die though, unless you kill yourself, but you will never be the same. This took a real morbid turn didn't it? I was talking about being in Heaven and hanging out with friends closer than family and now I'm talking about unspeakable Hell. Ain't that some shit? I'm just here to let you guys out there know that I haven't stopped posting already, just taking a brief respite to enjoy myself. Just a little chance to make believe that I'm back in the real world again.

Hmmm, back in the world again. That should be a acronym to symbolize that it's a place and not just a state of mind. BITW. It looks a little like By The Way, doesn't it? Maybe I have the re-think this one.

Until then, ma'a salama (goodbye in Saudi).

Hb