Wounds Are All I'm Made Of

I'm tired again.

I want to go to sleep, but that's all I did today. Sleep. Sleep and more sleep. I'm up for a few minutes and then I long for the bed. I'm back into the low power mode that I was in for days, for weeks, for months in 2009-10. Low power, low energy makes for slow to nil progress. I want to do something but I don't have the energy to do it. Not even to clean my room.

This is somewhat appalling to me, because I love a clean room, and now, it's getting sloppier and sloppier. A friend of mine wanted to come over the other day and I had to tell them no simply because the room was beginning to look like Hell, and I didn't have the energy to get up and clean it. I was going to, but I didn't even have the energy to entertain guests. I just want to be left quite alone at times like that and vegetate until there is no more me.

That's what it feels like. Like I'm going away on a long journey. I close my eyes and curl up into the fetal position and hopefully my dreams will be full of excitement and energy and people and things to do. It usually is, unless I'm dealing with that damn Zoloft which gives me the pitch black dreams that I have come to detest. I'm hoping that in time the sleepiness will wear off and I can get my high energy back. Dr G thinks it will take a little time, so I'm willing to invest in it. Take the time and see.

Do I honestly feel that it will ever happen? I'm not sure. I'm just reasonably certain that this low powered hobo is the same as I once was. Miserable and alone doing nothing and going nowhere.

But presently I got the itch to clean, and clean I did. I began to charge up my batteries after writing the above, got up and washed the dishes, swept the floor and tossed out the trash. Suddenly I was filled with purpose. Purpose other than just to exist. I feel, with just that little expenditure of energy that I have twice as much. Maybe, when you are feeling like I do, it has more to do with expending energy than gaining energy. The more your burn, the more you want to burn.

This to me sounds like a good thing. I mean, what can you expect from a shut in? Something rather than nothing. I want to write now, maybe even go online and look for my friends. Just get the fuck up and do something other than lay around and watch television, although there was one benefit from it. The edema that had swollen up my calves like that of logs is now gone. Vanished. Its about sitting in chairs for long periods of time, like when I'm busy spending the entire day writing letters, blogging, emailing, writing poetry and novels. I spend too much time on my fat ass, which cuts off circulation to my legs, especially the left side of my body, where circulatory-wise speaking, I am the weakest.

The left side of my heart is not as strong as the right, so blood moves slower and weaker on the left side of my body. All this after my bout with death when I suffered heart failure. Something that I don't want to repeat. That and kidney failure...again.

Well, it's off to do some more writing and blogging before this good feeling goes somewhere  that I can't retrieve it.

Hobobob