Those That Desire To Wring Your Neck

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Energy. It is fuel.

Is it what we eat? How much we exercise? Or is it something else. Like how our brains processes information. I think our brains are the starting gun for energy. I think our brains control more than we give it credit for. I learned a lot being on so many different drugs and that is that the brain is one complex motherfucker that can do harm as well as good. Our brains can cause biological catastrophe as well as success.

What am I getting at there? I find that people blame LIFE for their situations, when in fact, its all about dealing with the eventuality of the brain. Eventually everything will lead back to that. Our days, our lives, our energies will lead back to a single organ that sits at the top of our heads, and that's our brains.

I find that energy is very important if you want to live life.  Energy is the fuel and we run on it. It's not what we eat, or what we do, but rather what and how we think. If something interferes with that, we die out. We burn out and our lives become pale. Tired. Weary. I hate to say it, but I'm beginning to realize that is where Zoloft is placing me. I'm too blah to exist. I just don't give a shit about anything and anyone. And this may be a good thing, because people cause you the most pain. It is our human interaction that makes us human. It is our passion that makes us live.

We can't become blah and think that we have the edge on things. We have nothing. We can't live like that. We can't be creative. I realize that since I WAS working on three novels, fighting the powers that be, struggling to find lost things, battling against the forces of evil that I am doing NOTHING right now. I don't care to do a thing. I couldn't care less what encroaches upon my life. I'm just blah.

This cannot be allowed to continue. I have to turn around and fight the good fight, struggle against those who would rather I end up finished. I have to move on. I need passion, I need fire, I need drive. Zoloft steals all of that from me. It robs me of being alive, even if my rendition of alive means absolute suffering. I'd rather suffer than care nothing about it. I'm losing too much for a 'good feeling' about life.

I want to go on fighting and I have to fight to fight. Wrap your heads around that one. I have to give up some things to get others. Life can be a trade-off sometimes. It can mean putting one thing down to get a score of others. I think I'll have to put down the Zoloft and either go back on the Wellbutrin, or drop them both to survive. I am a sick man, I know this, and I'm not trying to cover anything up, but this is not the way to go. I feel that Zoloft is not the answer to my needs. I need to be more focused, and not so gray.

And I'm beginning to think one solution that needs to be dug out is the Zoloft solution. If I don't, there will be nothing left. I will only sink into the mire, and there will be nothing left. Nothing.

Hobobob