Broken Into Sweepable Pieces

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I'm back to a semblance of the man I was.

This is odd. Because I used to live like this for ten years. Yep. Ten years. For ten years, before I was homeless, I was a vampire. It took some time to develop this trait. You just don't wake up and you're a vampire. You develop slowly into one, and it's usually a job that makes you one. I was a security guard first. I needed a night job so that I could work on my company during the day, and I slept in the afternoons. I was up all night, or tried to be. It was hard at first until the finish. What made it difficult was the fact that I had to then work all day and crash in the afternoons. If I could sleep the second that I got home and sleep until the afternoon, things might have been better, easier.

But I had to do a nine to five right after that, and then around six, go to bed to get up at ten. But I did it for nearly five years, seven days a week, no holidays, days off, vacation days. I was a walking, talking machine. Then when I changed into the tech sector and began working at night there for five years, once again, I had to stay up all day, but my company soon folded, leaving me more time to go home and sleep during the day. Then there was the problem of my drinking and hanging out during the day, which made staying awake at night problematic. But still, my body loved to sleep during the day if given the chance.

Now, it's reversed itself again. I went through a period of hyper- activity where I slept neither during the day or night. But as time continued, I slowly reversed to that time frame that I'm used to. The vampiric hours. I wake up at around 1:00am and it's like 8:00am, wide eyed and bushy tailed, ready to do work. I get busy and do what I have to do, which is write my ass off, and keep it up until around 10:00-11:00am when I get tired again and call it a night. Then sleep until whenever and get up, probably an hour or two. Work more until I pass out again for an hour or two and then the stretch till about 10:00-11:00pm, sometimes 12:00am, depends.

Nap for another two hours and then back in the saddle. Right now it's four in the morning and I've already wrote two poems, two blog posts, I'm inbound to write a synopsis for a book, work on two books and then prep for another book proposal. Can't stop and will not until I'm done. I'll keep going until something gives. I'm fighting again the need for sleep a little too often. I wish I could get my hands of some type of amphetamines just to get my edge back, but I fear that it is gone from me now forever since the introduction of Zoloft. Whatever.

I'll deal or be dealt with. That's my plan, fuck them until they fuck me. And the fact of the matter is that I'm being fucked with on a constant basis. There's not much I can do with that shit. Other than fight for the sake of fighting, and live for the sake of living. There are no rewards for me, just the eternal struggle for survival. Just the joy of getting up and getting my knuckles bloody. Like some modern day gladiator, I live for the next morning, the next fight, the next meal, the next fuck, the next sleep, and then repeat that shit over the next day, and the next.

Tell me about that. When your life is reduced to where the reward system is based on the basics in life. Where food and shelter are the only wins in a tired table of rewards and punishments. Where every punishment is the deprivation of these basic things. Tell me about it. When does it break you? When do you want to give up? When are you so tired that it's clear you can't go on?

I'll tell you....when you stop becoming a vampire.

Hobobobob