It's Killing Me

It's not how you take bad news....

It's how you TAKE bad news. I'm just thinking about bad news today. What if you got the worse news you can ever imagine? How would you handle it? Would you cry like you slammed your hand in the car door? Would you bitch as if someone stepped on your foot in passing? Would you moan like a sinner in a confessional? Would you start swinging punches like a boxer in a ring?

What if the news caused you personal pain? Like a kick to the groin. Would you slowly fall to the floor? Would you faint? Would you grit your teeth and act like it didn't happen? Because it's not how you take the news.

It's how long that it takes you to recover.

I say this because I had a nightmare that really moved me. I was told that I lost something... something priceless. Something of inestimable value. And I was made a fool of in the taking of it. I was fooled, because they pointed in one direction, like the old joke, and when I turned my head, something horrible occurred. I have to say I was hurt over this. I was very hurt. And hurt is funny, its not pain, its a wounding. I woke up wounded, the feeling fresh in my mind, it colored my night. Yes, that right I got up at about ten O'clock and this hurtful news was fresh in my tired mind and I ran with it, explored it, delved in it. It's an interesting emotion. It hurts...like being struck with a bat, bruising, pain then ache; not like being cut, where there is pain, and then more pain; it s not like anything you'll ever experience, and I was in a mess of it.

It was if someone close to me gave me bad news and that shit hurt. Boy did I spend the day not in control, I delved in it too much, picked at it too much, it became uncontrollable. It colored my entire day, strangely, I couldn't shake it. I needed to purge, so I wrote emails to take my mind off this stupid nightmare. I was still hurting. Like I said, it's a unique fucking pain. It starts to bleed into other non-connected events of your like, and if there is anything, anything that you COULD feel hurt about, it will touch on it and grow anew, like an ember of a large fire will rise up on the waves of heat from the flame and land on something several paces away and ignite it, propagating the flames.

That's what this hurtful feeling was beginning to do. It was winning a war in my mind. Like I said earlier, how do you take bad news? Does this ever happen to you? After finishing some heartfelt e-mails I started to blog, all in the attempt to shake this illness, this cancer. I have to admit, it was starting to fade after the e-mails. I could only do half of this post and then retired to bed at about 6:00pm to finally shake this thing. To put it behind me. I had black sleep, deep, rich, erasing sleep.

I spring up at 2:30am, have dinner, and feel much better. The cancer seemed gone, and I wasn't going to delve into it again. I had learned my lesson, which is that hurt, or the capability of being hurt, is an emotion that is always in you, hiding out like AIDS, ready to spring at the opportune moment. And once sprung, will stick to you like glue. It will slowly, but surely consume you to your very fucking marrow. You can't fight it, you can only let it run its natural course.

But the good thing is that afterward you feel a general sense of relief. The pain is gone and your mind is free to do other things. Well, you might start to obsess, which is what I did just after wakening up over a past issue that happened, that I guess I wasn't over because the hurt reached in and blew it the fuck out of proportion, and this gathered my thinking like a fish in a net.

I told you that I have mental problems. I can sit here an talk about one uncontrollable emotion all night. Well, why not, I don't have anything else to really say. I spent the day in my room reading the insane news...you know, about the news, I'm really beginning to think that the world is not all that bad. That the world is full of alarmists, and these alarmists catch the attention of the news reporters and they report all of this mess to the people as if it's the gospel. So we never get good news, we never get the cute, little stories, no we get the most outrageous news ever to make us freak out.

Case in point: I'm on fucking Facebook (Yeah, it's Fucking Facebook) and I'm reading the Live News Feed, and someone comments and has a link to a vid about the cutting down of the Amazon and how this is affecting the planet, the world will die if this continues...or maybe it wasn't the Amazon, maybe it was another large jungle, I don't know, that's not the fucking point. Then further down the news feed, some egghead brings up that that is nothing compared to the desalinization of the oceans. That we are doing something to the oceans and this terrible event largely goes unnoticed by the rank and file, and how this will destroy the world when all fish life dies.

Then I think about the movie 2012 where the whole earth goes to shit. Earth- quakes, tidal waves, tsunamis, the fucking works, because that is the end of the world. Everyone is trying to foretell the end of the world. Why? They'll never get it right. We don't know how the world will end. While we're looking at all these crazy assed things to happen, and something crazier is going to happen, like the dinosaurs will come out of the oceans from sleeping down in the depths for millions of years and come up and start eating people. Or the air will be struck by a virus and will suddenly turn solid, as if it froze right where it is, clog our lungs and suffocate us all. Something insane and rough just like that.

Awww Fuck, I see this is just another manifes- tation of being hurt earlier today. I can't let shit go today. I want to laugh, and I am too dark for it. I am morose. I want some good news to counteract this wounding. I want some good news to feel better again. Just listen to what I say and take this seriously. Prepare yourself, write this down, and protect yourself, protect your very soul, and ask yourself:

How do YOU take bad news?


Hobobob