Feeling Like I'm Failing

I can't focus.

I'm stressed out. I'm really stressed. My life is moving too fast for me. I hear bells ringing in my ears. I'm going mad. Is it because I've stopped taking these stupid pills? I don't think so, I just think that the world is suddenly moving at a blur and I can't handle it. I'm wondering what is wrong with my body.

My feet are peeling, and calves. They're all peeling. They are dry and peeling, looking like leprosy. After a shower they are worse. I'm using vaseline to keep them looking normal. Now, my toe went numb. In fact I've been waking up with both hands numb and paralyzed in the morning. I can't move them, they hang like meat for ten minutes until I get the familiar pins and needles and motion returns slowly, almost every time I wake up.

Now, two of the toes of my right foot went numb. The big toe and the one next to it...I think it's the index toe. Both said 'goodbye'. By the end of the day my big toe came back, my my index toe is still numb. I can move it and all, but it's still numb. What's this about? That damned medication. I'm starting to get half life effects from it. Let the mother fucking games begin!!!

And now the racing thoughts. I'm certain that this will get worse before it gets any better. But this is just the way that it'll have to be for now. I'm not getting this far to go back. No way. I would rather it be this way, with the crazy nightmares that will no doubt come up, and other wacky side effects. Hey....I should look up withdrawal symptoms just to see what to expect! Well come on everyrbody, join me on the explorer train as we go through the rough and tumble world of ABILIFY and WELBUTRIN withdrawal symptoms!

Choo choo!!

"Although Abilify is not addicting and is not likely to be abused, the brain may need time to adjust after you stop taking the medication. Potential withdrawal symptoms include insomnia, hallucinations or delusions (symptoms of schizophrenia), and mania or depression (symptoms of bipolar disorder). These Abilify withdrawal symptoms may not improve with time, as they may be symptoms of the underlying disorder (schizophrenia or bipolar disorder)."

Ha ha ha!! So basically other than the INSOMNIA which I currently have, I'll have my old symptoms back which were the reasons for my taking them in the first place?? Well that's comforting. I was crazy before, so I'm going back to crazy again. Well, this is the only thing n my favor. That I won't go back to hallucinations and delusions and mania and depression because I'm off the juice. I'm no longer a raging alcoholic. I see that I'm having a little problem with all of the above though, they should not be too overwhelming enough for me to go back. ABILIFY seems to cause as much as it relives.

"The main withdrawal symptoms are the recurrent manic and depression attacks. Other withdrawal reactions include: * emotional withdrawal * poor rapport * passive apathetic withdrawal * difficulty in abstract thinking * lack of spontaneity/flow of conversation * stereotyped thinking."

Well, I have that to look forward to. Some shit huh? Well, none of that yet. So ABILIFY is not too bad. That's pretty light shit, as long as I don't see cockroaches the size of buses go by, or long dead family members pull up chairs and want to talk. Don't laugh, I saw a real to life Blonde woman who was lost in New York City. That bitch vanished.

Well, lets right this corner of the bend, through the tunnel to WELLBUTRIN land. Let's see what the withdrawal side effects are of that mother....

"Wellbutrin withdrawal symptoms can occur at any dosage. A Wellbutrin withdrawal symptom can begin within eight hours of a missed dose and can last from one to eight weeks. The particularly nasty withdrawal symptoms can easily last beyond eight weeks."

"Obviously, the best way to avoid Wellbutrin withdrawal is to avoid Wellbutrin."

That's pretty comforting. Avoid WELL- BUTRIN, with nasty withdrawal symptoms to last beyond eight weeks. Whoo hooo!! Well, lets go inside this funhouse and lets see what to expect!!!

"Over 50 different symptoms have been reported with antidepressant withdrawal, with dizziness nausea, fatigue, headache, gait instability and insomnia the most common. The lucky ones will experience only minor Wellbutrin withdrawal symptom effects. They might even blame their Wellbutrin withdrawal symptom list on the flu. For others, the Wellbutrin withdrawal symptoms are debilitating."

OH, what good news. Insomnia again. No wonder I haven't had a good nights sleep in days. No flu yet. Maybe I'm one of the luckier ones. 50 different symptoms? I wonder what the fuck are the fifty. It's hard to imagine that so many things can happen to you from one drug if you're not one of the luckier ones, and I'm never one of those.

"Wellbutrin Withdrawal Symptom List:
Anxiety, Dizziness, Fatigue, Muscle and joint pain, Jolting electric "zaps”, Tingling sensations, Vertigo, Gait disturbances, Restlessness, Tremors, Visual hallucinations, Headache, Insomnia, Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea, Blurred vision, Sweating, Fever, Abdominal discomfort, Aggression, Sleep disturbance and insomnia, Nightmares, Vivid dreams, Flu symptoms and , general malaise, Anorexia, agitation, Irritability, Confusion, Memory and concentration , difficulties, Chills and hot flashes, Crying spells, Suicidal thoughts, Lethargy, Weakness, Myalgia."

FUCK! I have to say, I've already had a bunch of these mother fuckers. No shit. I'm serious. This is freaky...but nothing about numbness and peeling? That's not good. Can that shit be from something else choosing and opportune time to rear it's ugly head? That's not good. I've had the 'zaps' they are funny. Tremors. I was trying to drink some water with a wildly trembling hand recently and when I got it to my mouth a 'zap' made me throw it in my face! Ha ha ha! I can find humor in anything. Hmmmm, Nightmares? None of that shit yet, not like when I got off the LUVOX. Yes, a lot of this shit I already have been through. If it doesn't get any worse I'm good.

When I see Dr. A. next week, because he's on vacation this week, I'm going to find out about the other symptoms. They could be from something terrible, like diabetes, which I'm already borderline. The reason why I thought of it just now is because of my father, who has diabetes. He's always moisturizing his feet which are always peeling. This would not be good. Survivable. We Hobos have been long diagnosed with Diabetes, and we've seen and learned at an early age what one has to do to prevent problems from complications. If this is my in my family line to step up to the plate, then so be it.

We can't live forever....whooo hooo, last stop on the Withdrawal Train. I'm done. I'm going to go back to editing my books....oh yes, it's 'bookS' now. I'm editing the prequel to my Novel written years ago. That's a gift to myself. If I sell one, possibly I may be able to sell the other. Who knows, it's time to dream.

I've got some things to work through. I've got to deal with some things coming up. The checks are all in the mail, so to speak.

That's just the way it is.

Hobobob