Lost In all Common Sense

I got through Civil Servant Hell.

I have that damn ID coming in the mail. But that wasn't the only near term object on my screens. I'm looking in the mail for something else also, my rescheduled appointment at WECARE. I was scheduled to go on Friday, but I went to get my ID instead and was turned around. I was probably supposed to go in on Monday to get off the hook. I doubt if they play the game that way. They much rather cut your benefits.

That's all that they want to do. They don't want to keep you on a near starvation level amount of poverty, because don't think for a minute that Social Services gives you enough to live on, you have to be a little homeless inventive of you want to make those funds stretch. But enough of these fools. So, If I don't have this red letter in my mailbox, that means that they've cut my benefits and we'll have to see just how far down the rabbit hole this goes. Fuck them really, in their black hearts, fuck them.

So I'm looking for my ID and my red letter. Upstairs, I'm now focused upon that damn court date. I went through a lot to reschedule, so I'm not going to fuck around now. I've already finished reading the ream of paper that I had to go through, now I have to photocopy all of of the pages to make a crib notes for the judge. I have several stacks of paper to present to the court. That's why it takes so long to for me to get this shit together.

I'm not freaking out, I just hope I have my outline right so that I can present a cogent, forceful argument to the judge. Whatever the outcome is I'm just hoping I can pull this shit off. It may be bad Karma but I'm going to do all that I can to fight this case and if I fail, then there is no reason to beat on myself... it was just bad karma.

I really don't care much about how the case goes, it really won't change things for me. I'll still be here, or in WECARE sitting while a few of them enjoy running between the classes and having fun. How in the world can you have fun in such a shithole as WECARE, now I ask you? But they do. I'll still be here. I'll still be here, dealing with a sense of melancholy, still here struggling with my feelings of failure.

I guess it came from going to my old school, and seeing that nothing had changed much. The Cop station was a mind blower though. THAT shit I didn't expect. Everything else is a mind trip, spiraling down, down, down. I was so young, running around with my Aviation School bag full of books. My future so filled with promise. I wanted to be an astronaut. I was learning aviation as a stepping stone. I had so many dreams in my head, I wanted to be so many wonderful things.

I guess I never thought that I would wake up homeless, living in an SRO, surviving day to day by Social Services. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be HERE. I thought I would be an astronaut with an arm full of patches from space flights. The darling of NASA. Now I'm worried about my future. What am I going to be doing when I turn 65? The same? Worse? Where will my Karma lead me? I've been following it faithfully these past few years, and it's played a weird kinda balancing act, a strange kinda game.

I have been doing good. I can say that my problems are only very large because I catastro phrize so much. I can't help that. It's what I do. Maybe things will change. In fact, I have many irons in the fire that I haven't even mentioned because they slip my mind, but there are a lot of projects that I have connected to my homelessness. Yes, there is no reason to look down into the mouth of darkness and cry. I'm not in there yet. Maybe my position in life is so tenuous that I might spill and fall down there, but that will only be my karma leading me down its predetermined path that I have skewed things to follow.

I don't know.

I just know that I don't want to be homeless when I turn 65.

Hobobob