Send Them Up For Air

I stayed inside.

It was raining all day long today, so I said, fuck it, why go out? I'll stay in today and tomorrow run around. I have a lot to do tomorrow so I'll take care of everything then.

"Well lookit you?" Some of you are probably out there saying. "A little rain and we have it where we don't have to go out there in it. How lucky are we?" Can you see me fuming now? Just in case you're new to this rollercoaster ride I call a misbegotten life, I've spent days and nights out in the rain without shelter to the point where my shoes stayed soaked and stunk from here to high heaven for days. Just flip back to my earlier days when I used to live out in the streets. And now...now I can have a choice whether to stay indoors or go out, and you think I have a problem with that now? I've earned my stripes in the worst way.

Being outside is no treat for me....even in the good weather. Hot, humid days where air condi- tioning is at a premium. OR cold assed days when heat is the same. I've done it. I've done it all. So forgive me if I take advantage. That's my plan from this point on. Take advantage of every chance that I can get to avoid the elements. Rain, snow, sleet, hail, cold, heat, thunder and lightning. Shit, throw in meteor storms on top of it too if you'd like. I'm just through with the outside if I don't have to deal with it. I've just been a year with a roof of my own over my head. I don't count the men's shelter as 'roof' over my head. Because no sooner did I rise in the morning did I jump up and run out of the fucking place. Shit I slept in my clothes for an entire year living in there simply because they liked to throw firedrills in the middle of the night and wanted you to run out in your drawers in the middle of a frigid New York Evening to stand for twenty minutes in the cold.

Dumb fucks. Yeah. This is the first year in three that I've had a 'roof' over my head. So I give myself two more years before I'm ready to play hardball with myself and deal with the elements head on for no reason whatsoever other than I have a chip on my fool shoulders.

Now that we're talking about my being inside or outside for enough, I got something for you that pissed me off yesterday. This fucking Balloon in Colorado. Did you hear about it? Well, here's the fucking story. A dad, is building this flying saucer in his back yard. Now you can call it what you want, hot air balloon, balloon, silver fucking thing, I dunno, but when I was young, wacky professors used to make them all the time in their back yards. They used to call them flying saucers, and you'd have to be a fucking nut to build one. Like I said, you can call it what you want, I call it a flying saucer whose builder is probably running around his house with a cone made of aluminum foil atop his head. Well, this jive assed buffoon is building this flying saucer in his back yard. Now I have a problem with this man already because he is a self proclaimed storm chaser who did this for the camera for some seasons, although never really chasing any storm exciting enough to keep his show on television. And then went from there to another reality television show, 'Wife Swap.' So, the alarm already rings in my head that this fuck is out to get on television no matter what it is that he has to do. Now, no one is going to find a buffoon climbing into his own hot air balloon interesting television unless it springs a leak and plummets thousands of feet on live telelvision to the doom of it's shitheaded maker.

So look out people. Somehow his toy flying saucer gets unhooked... and get this.... with HIS SIX YEAR OLD SON INSIDE!! Holy shit! The drama, the action, the high adventure! Suddenly all of the television stations know about this shit before even the police do! Holy shit, a six year old with no training, no resources, no equipment is up at times some SEVEN THOUSAND feet in the air, being carried upon the winds of Colorado in huge circles. WHAT OR LORD ARE WE GOING TO DO??

Where are the parents during this ordeal? That's my question. I can see the father being with the police, but my question is where is his bitch? Shouldn't there have been a paramedic squad trying to wrench her foot from up inside her husband's asshole for getting their child stuck in a hot air balloon? Fuck, shouldn't the local SWAT team be on rooftops trying to line sniper shots at her from smacking her husband on the side of his face with her Smith and Wesson and ordering the police to bring the boy down or clean his father's brains from the backyard?

Where was the crazed bitch?? Why wasn't she in the house flipping over tables, chairs, televisions...AND BOXES in the basement and attic looking for the kid for what TWO HOURS?? Was it?? What the fuck?? Where was dad? He just believed that his son was brain dead enough to climb into the balloon and unhook it so as to go airworthy like that?

So the kid is up in the air for hours right, and the authorities are wondering how to bring him down and if he does come down, where will he fall? Into power lines? Into a lake? Traffic? A rifle range? Santa's Little Village? Where? Then the fucking thing lands and NOBODY COMES RUNNING OUT!!! So now rescuers begin shitting themselves. They've now captured two hours of live television of the death of a six year old boy. WOW, that's not going to play well on the evening news now is it?

But no, while rescuers are miles away poking their toes into the silver lining of the helium balloon looking for a corpse, the kid jumps out from under a box in the attic and he is all fine, running around the kitchen asking for a bowl of Cheerios. OH GOODIE, WE HAVE JUNIOR BACK!

Who actually falls for this shit? Firstly. I would BILL DAD for using State and local resources in the following and rescuing of his HELIUM BALLOON. Secondly, I would give the rescuers avenue to punch and beat Dad all about the head and face for the added gray hairs they no doubt caused them. Then lets fine and jail Dad for the improper use and storage of a helium balloon among minors.

Why am I the only person that sees this as bullshit? Dad now has hours of 'captivating' film to own from the local news stations, who have made a mint keeping people captivated to this shit as news for sponsors while we have REAL problems going in in this country! How long do you think it will be before Dad and Mom, the 'Concerned Adults' are being interviewed on television news and Oprah and The View for scads of money over the 'fucking' ordeal of their son being in a hot air balloon? OH this shit makes me just want to throw my television right in the garbage...oh, that's right. I don't own a television, and because of shit like this, I would never buy one.

I'd rather go out into the rain than subject myself to shit like this....and yet I had. Now I want to be rewarded. I want Dad's neck tied around a noose, dangling from that same hot air balloon sailing around Colorado some seven thousand feet in the air. I want to hang this fucker in effigy and burn his ass and pelt him with stones.

Goofy motherfucker.

I feel sorry for the kid. Maybe if he's lucky, his father will be the next idiot in the balloon when it goes up.

Hobobob