Don't Swallow Your Shoes

Something that I've taken note of.

While walking downtown yesterday, weaving through the New York foot traffic I found out that we show the same discourtesy on foot as we do on the road. Have you noticed that shit? I'll give you a few for instances, of just what pisses me off, and what I do about it.

Have you ever been walking down the block and someone is coming perpen- dicular to you? You are about to meet so you slow down, but lucky that you do, because this New Yorker speeds up to a near trot to get in front of you, to cross you first. Ever notice that? Happened to me a million times walking downtown. So what I do I speed up with them and allow us to plow into each other. You'll realize that this is my solution for most of these antics simply because I'm a pretty big man and I don't rebound as much as these thin men, women, old ladies and children who I will plow into each of them with equal force.

Neither does this large group of people want to pick a fight with me for blocking their running to stop a fire. What about men and women my size, Hobobob? I plow into them too, but with even greater force, knowing that I will get knocked aside also if I don't. When they turn around, looking for I fight I just grumble, "excuse me," and continue on. Ha ha ha

Still, that is just an annoying habit that New Yorkers have, and that tourists try to imitate. I say this because of something that I'll tell you later. Going on, I'm walking down the block and there is a New Yorker behind me in my left 'blind spot' if we were driving cars. Now, this motherfucker wants to turn right. Now I'm telling you the truth, just because they are on the left side of me, they, for some reason, can't just make a right behind me. NO, they have to speed up, get in front of me, and make a right, once again accelerating to a near trot to cut me off.

This shit pisses me off to no end. If we were cars I would piss in my pants from frustration. Now that we are people and I can play bumper cars with even less costly damage, I have fun. Simply because if you don't find fun in walking for great distances in the city, you'll go nuts.

Well, lets get back to a class of people. Those that have you cut you off. Now going back to that mental defective spoken of earlier, he/she shoots right in front of you, forcing you to stop so that they can make their passage. I just try to time it right with my shoe and catch them in the back of their Achilles Heel. What this does is swipe their shoe off from the back, which roughly has the effect of a blowout in a car. Yes! If you really try, you can have a near 50% success rate. This is better than bobbing for apples folks! Now this happy jack will always turn around because they have to stop to put their shoe back on, hopping on one leg. My solution to the large guy that wants to pick a fight with me? I simply continue walking. He can't come up behind me because his shoe is off, remember? First, he has to grind his shoe into the ground to slip the heel back over his foot. He'll be occupied for a while.

This strategy also works on the asshole that cuts you off while walking. This is usually the imbecile that tries to 'change lanes' in front of you, thus forcing you to stop or slow down as they nearly plow into you to avoid oncoming traffic. I'll talk about him later coming from the other direction, but he's traveling in the same direction as you. I try to give him a blowout also, but this one I'm extremely careful of, because if you're good, and get him, he'll stop short right in front of you to put his shoe back on, so you have to be quick to go around him. This one too will be too busy putting his shoe back on to pick a fight.

Now, after I stop guffawing, there is the same guy who after walking slow behind a line of tourists, which I'll go into later, jumps into the oncoming foot traffic to go around them but doesn't time it right. In autos, this is dangerous if you do not time it right. In foot traffic they force you to slow down...I don't. Here is another trick that takes awhile to master, but fuck, I've got a long ass walk so I work hard on it. It's called a 'sideswipe'. That's when opposing shoulders meet. The skill in this is that you have to give them a little more shoulder than they have oncoming. What I'm trying to say is is that people do this, sometimes on purpose, sometimes as a mistake, and get knocked aside. How come one guy gets knocked aside more? Because of shoulder mass. You just have to use more of your shoulder than his. That means you have to aim right, and do it just right or you'll get knocked aside with equal force, making the maneuver meaningless. When you build up skill, you learn how to knock this stupid fuck back into the very same people that he's trying to pass, getting him crashed into two sets of walkers for his stupidity. What happens if he tries to pick a fight? I keep walking because after this they feel stupid and embarrassed that they can't maneuver between two differing sets of people.

Now for the tourists. What makes this guy, spoken of earlier, try to go around people is simply because TOURISTS have to walk together, as if whatever they are looking at in the sky will move if they don't stick together. Many times they walk four and five abreast down a sidewalk. What are you supposed to do? Jump into the street to avoid them. I handle this with the ol' 'double sideswipe," or better known as a head on collision. To do this correctly you have to aim for the husband and wife of this stupid crew because they are usually the leaders and should know better than to allow the family to fan out. What if they are two couples? Well, pick a couple, but it has to be male and female. Why is this? Because if you try to double sideswipe two males you are going to get your ass handed back to you. Also, if they stop to pick a fight, you'll never be able to take them both on because they both will be enraged and therefore, because of their number, might be more inclined. So, it is prudent to aim for the male/female collision point. Now do this right. Give the male more shoulder than the female. With luck they both will stagger, being caught off balance equally. These poor saps will always stop but nothing will come of it, because they already have an innate fear of New Yorkers, and no man wants to have balls kicked in front of his wife. The male of the other couple will also not do anything, wondering what happened and glad that it didn't happen to them.

This goes for both directions. But when traveling in the same direction, I try to wait until they stop for the light, and strike just when the light changes, so that you have more inertia than they, starting from a full stop. All of you tourists have seen or experienced this happening many times. The reason is because this is common practice for some asshole New Yorkers fed up with this scenario. Also, if you want to improvise, you can come behind a male of the group and give him a blowout while you walk past. That's always fun, but difficult to do.

Why do I say tourists imitating New Yorkers? Because within a short period of time they begin to get the idea, 'when in Rome, do as the Roman's do'. Especially when it comes to crossing the street. Look gang, New Yorkers have learned, from years of experience, how to cross a street when there is oncoming traffic. We don't just cross when the light says, Don't Walk. These poor saps, stepping out in front of oncoming traffic, always have to run to avoid getting killed because New York vehicles will seldom slow down for your stupid ass. So these bunch of evolutionary victims are another problem in the city.

Not that I give a fuck or will DO anything to them. I just love to watch them walk calmly out into the middle of the street, and the second they learn that their very lives are in jeopardy, break out into a terrified run. This always makes me want to laugh the shit out of myself. Now. One day, while walking down the street I'm listening to a conversation of some guy behind me on a cell phone. This guy feels as if he has to yell into his phone to be heard by the listening party and also that everyone around him has to be in on his conversation. When waiting to cross the street, a father, wife and ducklings, follow behind a small group of New Yorkers who are timing their crossing the oncoming traffic perfectly. This speed bump family dashes from the center of the street, amazed that the taxicabs will speed up on their asses finding them in the middle of the road. Now this obvious tourist behind me says into his cell, "I'll be there in a little while, I'm just watching a group of New Yorkers almost kill themselves." I wanted to go into this with him, but he was on the cell and I didn't have the fucking time. These are obviously NOT New Yorkers bud. They are just like you...out of towners.

So, welcome to New York.

I know by now you are saying, Hobobob you are such an asshole. Well, yes and no. Yes, because I will employ these methods while on the road; and no because I am forced to use them. Some people are just more asshole than I am. I just try to return the favor. Especially when you have to walk a long distance, trying to lose weight, or homeless with a 25lb pack on your back. Plus, why not have some entertainment while you walk.

However you feel about me, when any of these things happens to you, you'll instantly know that you are stupid. Shit, that's a lot of bitching and moaning today. But this is just a way to have fun folks. No fights have ever broken out over this and if it did enrage a person to fight, a simple 'excuse me' usually will get you out of it.

That's the Hobobob lesson for today folks. I give this knowledge so that YOU TOO can enjoy walking through the streets of New York as much as I do.

Peace and Love

Hobobob