Fear the Abstract Reality

I am a shut in.

That's the dictionary definition of it. Shut in. I'm inside again. I was supposed to go in to see my psychiatrist, Dr. W. but I rescheduled it. I'm going to stop the LUVOX anyway, so there is no need for a long discussion. I care not of some issue of dosage and 'weaning off' I'm just going to jump off this freight train. I don't believe that I have been on it enough to have too adverse an effect. That's just a personal observation.

Some have nightmarish withdrawal symptoms. I'm going to see. If I'm out of my mind I'll soon learn, because this is going to be a ride. I hope a very short one with as few dips as possible.

So I stayed inside. What the fuck else is new? You thought that maybe I made a rocket and loaded my pjs and teddy bear and launched for the cheese in the moon. I'm not all that adventurous a shut in. I'm just a shut in. I sit around surfing the web or reading email or the occasional IM. I know, I'm a little too contented right now, but what the fuck? What other life should I be leading.

The day melts away, and night falls. I head out before the sun sets. T-Fuk has the reading at Cornelia Street Cafe this evening. I head there to meet up with my brother OBSIDIAN with cash left over from the SHOUT OUT since Saturday that I was going to use it to get us in. I would happen to get there early, because that's how I do, and so I sat down outside and waited almost a half hour to have a single Corona brought out to me. No...no bullshitting you. A half a fucking hour.

I look up from a book that I am reading and D2theL is standing behind me on the sidewalk, no doubt walking right by me and talks to ORION standing several paces to my rear. I look up and let D2theL see me and he comes over and takes a seat at the table. Soon there is a healthy clique of poets around us and we all, along with my brother, and ORION file downstairs to the reading. They get right into it, with the open mic beginning, and early on in the reading, ORION rises, reads and marches out of the establishment.

T-Fuk goes up to read his work and does a bang up job. The brother made his crew proud. He went up and represented. Afterwards, everyone gathered outside, down the block and sparked up some ENDO, and hung around a little until we all broke up and went our separate ways. My brother and I took our high asses over to the Starbucks on Astor and worked on his computer. I had brought a new, used, WIFI card for him and we tried to configure it to his system to no avail. After awhile I get tired of working on it and head home.

I sleep like a dead relative. In the morning, I get up and get ready for the SHOUT OUT, preparing everything and when the time came, I hit the Way and headed downtown, getting to the door at exactly at 4:00pm sharp, and Cyndi Lauper has the place already open and the music off. Son of a bitch, this girl can be on the motherfucking ball when she wants to. She's probably expecting another big tip as she got before.

I start the SHOUT OUT at a quarter after the hour and off we go, but today... today...I am not afraid. I don't have my knees knocking. I am as cool as a fan. My control has me amazed, in fact I'm scared that it's so clear and bright. Not a white hot screen of fear before my eyes. I am hungry for the stage, easily and quickly thinking. I am comfortable. I feel no fear. That Goddamned LUVOX had to kick in now. It is nothing short of incredible.

We take a break for the half and I join a toke circle and get somewhat lifted. I'm not good sparking a joint, I miss much of the smoke, therefore much of the high. I go through the second half basically sober, but that's cool. One doesn't need to be high all of the time, right? I clean up the SHOUT OUT and split with OBSIDIAN to the Kennedy's Fried Chicken and then over to our favorite Starbucks, where I worked on my brother's laptop, over and over again and coming up with zero results. His failure is indeed a hardware one.

He walks me to the subway around 11:00pm and I ride the train home. My usual annoyance comes true. A gaggle of idiot and loud young people in the train are just being a boisterous mess in the number One train on the way home. Interestingly, they harass and harangue everyone entering the train, except for me. When the train was waiting at 42nd street, I transfer trains to the Three train. Before the train doors could close, coming in like a wave of bees, are these energetic and loud kids, but this time, all around me, as if the One train wasn't bad enough. Of course, they're also riding to my stop. Wonderful.

I get off with some of them and I'm greatly relieved. Their screeching gets under the skin and make the eyes water. I am very glad to be home. Very. I check the mailbox and there is an envelope. It is from Fair Hearing.

My day in court is September 8th.

Hobobob