Simple pleasures

Toby and I spend a lot of time at playgrounds, and sometimes I'll get really low on the ground while he's swinging. At first, he's perplexed (every time)....
...and then he finds it hilarious (every time). Toby, I love hanging out with you.

Vacation photos: Cornwall, England

My darlings, I'd love to share a few photos from our vacation in England, if you'd like to see...

Our grandmother lives in a teeny tiny fishing village called Polruan. Our first evening there, we had a drinks party on her terrace. She invited her friends of all ages, and we ate smoked salmon and potato chips.
Toby loves a good party...
We toasted my cousin and her husband, who were celebrating their first wedding anniversary. (Aren't they cute?)
And this is the view! Crikey! It was so much fun.
During this trip, Toby met his new "cousins" (they are my cousins' daughters) for the first time ever. It was ridiculously endearing to see them all play together. My British aunts referred to them as "the littles," which I loved.
We had a few rainy days (not pictured:), but on a particularly sunny afternoon, we took a spectacular boat ride to Lantic Bay, a beach nearby. (That's when we took this family photo, too.)
My cousin's husband Nick brought along a bottle of Cornish scrumpy, which is a strong alcoholic cider that tastes just like apple juice.
Toby drank too much and passed out. (Kidding.)
The English ocean water was freeeeezing but my cousins are brave.
One day, we all hiked to visit my grandfather's grave, which is in a lovely countryside church overlooking fields of sheep. My grandmother always brings whiskey (his favorite) to sprinkle over his grave.
My awesome sister Lucy carried Toby all the way (uphill). Yay for aunts!
Have you ever had a Cornish pasty? It's dough filled with beef, potatoes, carrots, onions and lots of pepper, and you can eat them with one hand. (Originally, they were developed for miners and sailors.) Delish...
As with all great vacations, we ate way too much.
In the evenings, the yellow light is gorgeous, and we sometimes take walks and chat with sweet old ladies on the street.
At the end of each day, we'd just hang out, cook dinner, gossip, play games and drink gin & tonics. I remember how my grandfather used to sometimes call out, in his booming British voice, "Noise level too high!"
One evening, my brother made the mistake of dozing off in a chair, so naturally we decided to see how many items we could stack on him before he woke up. (I thought the bottle on his head was especially impressive:)
Our final morning, we got up early to leave. We were sad to go but the bright side was seeing the view from the terrace. The morning fog looked foggy and magical--right out of Peter Pan. Polruan, we miss you already! Thank you for having us, Milly! xoxo

P.S. English wedding hats, and ten tips for traveling with a baby...

My balance of work/baby/life

My lovelies, last week, seven amazing mothers shared how they juggle work/life, including the ups and downs. It's so wonderful to be honest and normalize what that all mothers are going through. Thank you again to those brave and lovely bloggers!

Now I'd love to share my own juggle post. I have to admit, it feels strange to be sharing my own routine because I didn't have a decent schedule figured out for a long time. After Toby was born, it took me months to figure out a solid schedule that worked well for us, and I'm still experimenting and tweaking!

OK, my darlings, here goes....

*****
1. What's your work schedule?
I work from home Monday through Friday from 9:30am to 4pm, plus a couple evenings a week. I take the other weeknights off, and I try to take weekends off completely.

During the workday, I run Cup of Jo, am an editor for Beso, and do branding work and trend consulting. I'll also be blogging for a magazine again later this fall (yahoo!).

2. How do you handle childcare?
Toby wakes up at 6am, and Alex and I switch off waking up with him. So, every other day, I get up with Toby (bleary-eyed!), feed him breakfast, take a quick shower while he chills out and chews his rubber ducky in the bouncy chair, and take him to the playground really early (we're often the only people there!) or take a walk or bike ride together. Even though I'm usually pretty sleepy on those mornings, it's lovely to spend that time with him, and see the city as it's waking up. Then, every other day, Alex will get up with Toby, while I either sleep until 8:30—bliss!—or get up at 7am and start my work early while they hang out.

(A little note: Alex and I didn't always switch off. I used to get up with Toby every day, and after a while, I felt completely exhausted and run ragged. So, finally, I asked Alex to switch off—and we both were sort of like, wait, why didn't we do this sooner? It's funny how easily and subconsciously we can fall back into long-held stereotypes that the mom is the #1 main caregiver, even when spouses are both happy to share parenting responsibilities equally.)

Anyway, then the babysitter arrives around 9:30am. We have two beloved babysitters: Naudia on Mondays and Tuesdays, and Sophie on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. They stay from 9:30 to 4. Now and again, they'll stay an hour later if I have extra work or a big deadline.

After the babysitter leaves, Toby and I spend every weekday afternoon together from 4 to 7:30pm. I absolutely adore this special time together. Whenever possible, we try to make it 100% hang-out time—no errands allowed!—and go to the playground or meet up with friends or take bike rides. On Wednesday afternoons, we have a playgroup with a bunch of other neighborhood one-year-olds and their mamas. (Once in a blue moon, I'll take Toby along to an evening work event—but then we run the risk of scary camera flashes!) I feel so lucky and grateful to get this wonderful quality time with him every day.

(Afternoon activities might be a bit trickier in the winter, I'm guessing. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about this coming winter with a toddler who walks! It will take some imagination to make our tiny apartment fun for Toby every afternoon. We'll have to learn to make soups together or something!)

Then, in the evenings, around 6:30pm, Alex gets home from work, and Toby and I will meet him back at our apartment. And we'll spend an hour together feeding Toby dinner, giving him a splashy bath, reading bedtime stories, or just hanging out on the bed in the nursery.
(Toby also once joined for a beauty tutorial photo shoot at our apartment with Jamie:)

3. Where do you work during the day?
When the babysitter and Toby are outside at the playground or the library, I work at my desk in our living room; when they're at home, I work on our bed.

4. What do you like best about your current set-up?
I feel really grateful that my schedule is flexible. Even though I work full-time hours (40 hours a week), I can decide to work early mornings or late evenings, in order to have my afternoons off with Toby. The other day, I ran into a dear friend who loves her amazing job at a major beauty brand; she looked chic and windswept on the street, wearing a silk dress and a chignon, but she admitted that she was literally running home from work to see her baby. Every work situation has pros and cons, and everyone does such a great job doing it all.
5. What do you find so-so/tricky/hilariously bad about your current set-up? What would you change if you had a magic wand?
You know, I really hate working on my bed! Sometimes I feel like I spend 20 hours a day in my bedroom. It's a nice enough room, but that's a little crazy. :)

If I had a magic wand, I would rent an office space outside the home, where I could be part of a community of people. It can feel really isolating—especially in the winter—to be working at home alone all day. I would love to be surrounded by other creative people during the day, to inspire each other's creativity or discuss last night's 30 Rock episode or order lunch together. (Unfortunately, it's tough to find an affordable place like this in Manhattan, although I'm still looking!)

On the rare day when I have a work lunch or meeting (maybe once a month), I always feel SO revitalized to be around adults and feel part of a working community.

Another thing that was tough, especially at the beginning, was when I was working at home, and I could hear Toby crying in the other room. The sound was heartbreaking to me, but I couldn’t go out to him because I was busy working or on a conference call—and plus I had to respect the sitter and trust her to take care of him. There's a certain stress of being on deadline, and a certain stress of hearing your baby cry, and I was getting both at once. (And when I heard him playing and laughing, I would want to go out to him, too!) I do crave some mental and physical distance from the baby while I'm working.

6. How do you and your husband fit your marriage into the balance?
Toby goes to bed around 7:30pm, so Alex and I have the rest of the evening to hang out together. Alex is a great cook, and he’ll make us dinner—like spaghetti Bolognese, or eggs and sausage, or a big salad with tons of toppings—while I finish up work. He listens to music while he cooks, so it always takes a while (since he'll just stand there, drumming on the counter and watching the water boil:). Then when dinner is ready, usually around 8:30, we'll hang out for the next few hours, and watch a movie or play games or just chat. Also, a few nights a week, we'll go out to dinner with friends, or we'll invite friends over. We usually go to bed between 11 and midnight. I cherish that grown-up time at the end of the day.

My parents got divorced when I was little, so I'm really conscious of focusing on my marriage as much as my child/ren. I feel lucky to be able to spend frequent quality time with Alex and love having our own adventures together, separate from the baby. Plus, I think most kids like seeing their parents dress up and go out to dinner together; it's exciting! (There's a beautiful passage in the book Peter Pan about Wendy watching her parents get ready for an evening out.) I love the idea that the goal should be not only to have a happy child, but to have a happy family.

(By the way, a few commenters last week mentioned that it's hard to afford babysitters. I totally agree! At $15/hour, it adds up. Everyone needs to figure out a solution that works best for their family. For daytime babysitters, it definitely makes sense for me to work, financially, and I also enjoy working overall. As for evening babysitters, we talked it over, and we decided we would prefer to spend less on other things so we could afford to spend more on babysitting. It's too bad we don't all live closer to grandparents, aunts and uncles, who would be happy to babysit for free—what a dream that would be!:)

6. Do you have any time for yourself?
Not really! For me, the thing that ends up coming in last place is free time alone. Now and again, Alex will go out to meet a friend, while I'll stay home, have a glass of wine and read magazines; or I'll sneak out at night while he's home and get a pedicure, but overall free time by myself is pretty rare. That's ok for me, though. I'm kind of a pack animal anyway.

7. Do you ever wonder how other women manage the juggle? Have you talked to other women about it?
Yes, I've wondered about it so much, which is why I really wanted to do this series. It's so wonderful to hear from other moms and realize that we're all in the same boat, even though our circumstances might be different. I only wish I'd had time to feature many more parents (single moms, moms working in offices, stay-at-home moms, dads, etc.); but like I mentioned last week, this time, I wanted to feature moms who are in similar work situations, so we could see how they've each created very different schedules that work for their families.

I think sometimes people feel nervous about talking candidly about motherhood and their own scheduling choices, and I understand that. Parenthood is emotionally ridden, because everyone cares so much about their babies—so sometimes it can seems as if, when another mom makes a different decision from you, you are at odds. Differences in parenting choices can make people defensive. But, really, making various parenting decisions is like apples and oranges. We have to remember that there are 824,739,894,536 ways to be incredible, loving parents, so we should all support each other and our lucky babies.

8. What advice would you give to other moms about how to balance work and life?
My own mom often tells me, "Take gentle care of yourself," which I think is a surprisingly profound thing to remember. Of course, it's true for everyone, not just mothers. Everybody feels overwhelmed sometimes, and it's really easy to beat yourself up or put too much pressure on yourself or assume everyone around you has a perfect life. That's not true, and we should be kind to ourselves and treat ourselves like the sweet souls we are.

One commenter last week left a great line: She said, "Bless you new moms. If you're trying, you're doing a great job." We don't have to be perfect; we just have to be gentle to ourselves and take it one step at a time.

Back from England

Hi, my darlings! We got back from England last night, after a wonderful, dreamy, windy, sunshiny week visiting our relatives in Cornwall. I keep gazing at this photo, which my cousin took while we were on a boat to the beach. I wish I could beam myself right back there. :) How was your week?

P.S. My own work/baby juggle post is coming up today. Thanks to the amazing mothers last week, and love to you all! xo
(Comic by Dagsson)

Adventures in babywearing

At our friend's cabin upstate, Toby loved the friendly grown-ups and wanted to be in the middle of the action at all times. But Alex and I could only chase him around and keep him from falling off the dock for so long, so the sling turned out to be a perfect way to keep him happy and immersed. Here, we're fishing with friends--it was the first time for both Toby and me! (We caught nothing:)

Another early, chilly morning during our trip, we walked by a babbling stream and paused to watch the water flow by. It was so relaxing (I caught myself thinking that it sounded just like a noise machine, ha!), and Toby's head rested more and more heavily on my chest until I realized he had fallen asleep. (My other clue was a stream of drool flowing down my decolletage, such that it is.) So I sat down on a bench while the pink sun rose in the sky, and read Operating Instructions while he slept. I wish I had photos of that sweet moment, but Toby and I were the only ones awake! I took a mental snapshot, though. :)

Anyway, the sling was such a lovely addition to the weekend and a wonderful way to have adventures with a baby as a trusty sidekick.

(The only catch is that it makes it tricky to drink a pre-dinner PBR.)

P.S. This post is part of the Sakura Bloom Styleathon, hosted by my friend Leigh. Read more here, if you'd like. Thank you again to Leigh for introducing me to the genius of slings, which are becoming part of my life in beautiful and magical ways.

Precious moments

Ever since Toby arrived, I've found myself feeling nostalgic for certain things even as they're happening. This morning, Toby was playing with water in the bathroom sink, and, as my heart swelled at the sweet sight, I simultaneously felt sad that one day soon he won't fit in there anymore. Ahh, a mama's heart is a strange and moody thing.

Motherhood Mondays: 8 confessions of a new dad

For today's second Motherhood Monday post, I'd love to talk about new fatherhood. On the three-hour drive home from the beach this weekend, Alex and I started talking about parenthood, and he revealed a few funny and surprising thoughts on our first year with a baby. Here were his eight confessions, in his own words, below...

1. "I didn't bond with the baby right away."
The experience of fatherhood is thrilling, but so hard at the same time. I loved Toby from the second I saw him. But the first few months, to be honest, were pure adjustment. The baby is so helpless, and you're so clueless, and you don’t have that strong chemical, hormonal and emotional bond with the child, in the same way the mother does.

You spend the first six months of your baby's life cramming this giant rule book. You have to learn everything—how to hold the baby, how to swaddle, how to change a diaper. I had never played with dolls or even babysat, so it was totally, totally new.

I did enjoy it--it was a fascinating odyssey and deeply satisfying--but, secretly, at the same time, if Joanna had walked in and said, "My mom's going to take over for the next month," I would have been thrilled.

2. "Time alone with the baby was surprisingly profound."
Even though I felt so lost overall, I was surprised by how spending time alone with Toby felt natural and surprisingly not scary. I remember the very first night we had Toby at home. Joanna was in bed, and I had four hours alone with him. He was sleeping in the bassinet next to me, and started to stir. I realized that he had never heard music before and that I got to pick out the first song he'd ever hear. I felt like I had a hand in shaping his destiny. Choosing a song on iTunes suddenly felt profound! I decided on "Penny Lane" by The Beatles. It was bright and optimistic, like the first day of spring. It was a magical moment.

3. “My wife acted a little like she was on drugs.”
Up until you have a baby, whatever happens, you and your wife pretty much respond the same way. You're on the same wavelength. But once the baby arrives, every thing that happens, your wife has a 90-degree different take.

Joanna's highs were higher, and her lows were lower. Her general joyfulness was so high; she was starry-eyed and blissed out. On the flip side, she was more anxious. She was more inclined to take any negative thing to heart—such as Toby fussing while we changed his diaper. I figured his fussing was a small, unfortunate but inevitable thing, but it felt incredibly urgent to Joanna. She got really upset by his crying—for her, it was like an alarm clock was going off inside her. She had an extreme surge of anxiety at any possible sign of disturbance to Toby, whereas I would address his crying but it wouldn't bother me on an emotional level. I just thought, Oh, all babies cry, he'll be ok.

It's like being with someone on drugs. You're on a different plane. You look at your wife, and you have to imagine, 'What exactly are you feeling? How does the world look to you right now?' Then you have to figure out how to respond the way she would want.

Everything does come back down to earth again. Your wife no longer feels those extreme surges at both ends of the emotional spectrum and becomes more like her old self (which is a relief to her, too), and you get more acclimated and feel like your old self. By about month nine, we found ourselves settling back into our old rhythms and feeling like ourselves again (see below:).

4. "I was nervous that my wife would like the baby better."
Maybe it sounds crazy, but a great fear I always had about having children was that my future wife might like them better. In many of my friends’ families growing up, the husband was basically replaced by the kids. There's nothing more primal than the love between mother and infant. I was absolutely worried about being dropped a notch.

Once Joanna was putting Toby to bed and I heard her tell him, "You're my favorite person in the whole world, do you know that?" and I was thinking, 'Really? What about me?' It sounds ridiculous, but it was an adjustment not to be the only man in her life. But in the end, I saw that our marriage could never be replaced by a baby—it's such a different thing. That realization was a huge relief.

5. “Children's books are boring.”
I love spending time with Toby, especially when we go on walks or play the guitar. But some baby activities are s-l-o-w. Many women seem to have a tremendous capacity to step outside themselves and see things through the baby's eyes, like reading children's books. But to me, children's books are fundamentally boring. Like, mind-numbing. The Very Hungry Caterpillar is tough sledding.

6. “Everything turned a corner at nine months."
I once heard a theory that babies are inside the womb for nine months, but that they're remain in the gestational period outside the womb for the next nine months.

Everything changed when Toby was nine months old. One day, Toby didn't seem to know who I was (or care!). But the next evening, I got home from work, and Toby was eating dinner in the high chair, and he looked up at me and smiled and shrieked and did jazz hands. He recognized me! It was amazing. I felt like we had truly connected. Honestly, for the first time, he didn't only feel like my baby, but like my son.

7. “I daydream about the future with Toby.”
I often daydream about Toby growing up: listening to music, taking him on boats, teaching him how to cook a great omelet, telling stories about "the old days." I always picture us on hikes for some reason—even though I don't really go on many hikes. My father and I used to sit around for hours some nights and plan my future, and I love the idea of being on the other side of that conversation. I also look forward to imparting lessons that my dad didn't give me—like how to ask out women.

8. “I'm ready for another.”
With your first baby, it's really tough. Every day is a surprise. But now I know that I can do it. Raising a child for the first 12 months of their life is a skill I now have. Having a second baby? Believe it or not, I can't wait. :)

Thank you, Alexei! My lovelies, do you think own dads had to adjust to having children? Fellow mamas, did your husbands immediately take to new parenthood, or did they find the transition tricky? Have they said anything about the experience? If you're a guy, what are your thoughts on fatherhood? I would love to hear... xoxo

Pilsner cravings

What happens when you don't let Toby try a sip of beer at the Brooklyn beer hall.