I Do What I Do

I had my first meeting with my new psychiatrist. Nurse G. She is an impatient little lady, very quick and answers her own questions before I can. We move along choppy, like a motor boat over restless water. We throw words at each other. I am not comfortable. I am not all that happy with her. She is far unlike Dr. L. She is smoother, more conversational. Maybe that's why she's a Doctor, and G is a Nurse.

I remember talking to Dr. L. She constantly speaks about my choice coming up. About how we will soon be over and my counseling will end. This I don't like. I will be left with Nurse G. Not a happy concept. I can talk about almost anything to Dr. L. I don't see that as happening with Nurse G. And she wants me to promise to show up at every session, sober. I can do that. But do I want to? I'll have to for now. That is the deal. But she is just so tiring and exhausting to the soul. I could not wait to get out of her office.

It was indeed a pleasure to say goodbye. When I put her closing door between us, I breathed in a sigh of relief and headed back to the library, where time ran very fast. The day was over before I knew it. Thursday was no more in a hurry. I was preoccupied the entire day with an email and I had shut everything out. And then I blogged furiously. It was a day of rapid accomplishments.

One thing that bothered me when talking to Nurse G was that she kept asking me, "Where do I see myself in five years?" I thought long and hard about the question. "Why don't you want to go to work?" I want to go to work, but as a journalist. "Do you have the educational background for such?" No, I haven't, but I have the skill. "Well, why don't you go to work? Where do you see yourself in five years?" Fuck, I don't know, I can't see that far ahead. I'm blind to my own future. But how many of us really know where we'll be in five years time? How many of us have a real plan? Or do we show up at work every day and that's our five year plan? Does Nurse G have a five year plan? Or does she see herself sitting in her chair asking others if they do five years from now?

I'm a little pissed from my session, you can no doubt tell. Either I got slapped in the face with the wet fish of reality, or I've just ran into a dream buster. Have you ever heard of people like that? Fatalistic futilelists. They see nothing as attainable. They belive in following the status quo, stay in line, and please don't dream. Don't imagine that anything is possible, all things are impossible. Don't bother.

I'm going to continue on my way. Small steps for the next five years. I can do that. I'm NOT in the same place that I was a year ago, and definitely not in the place that I was in two. If I'm in the same position next year as I am this year, then my plan is not working for me. I won't wait five years to do something. My plan is to do something immediately. Within a year. If anything does not change.

That's my five year plan. I don't know where I'll be, I just won't be here. That gives me the flexibility to follow my dreams.

God, I can't wait to see that dream buster again. I have some 'comeback' for her. I'll slap her in the face with the dead salmon of reality. That she is the one that will be in the same place as she is in now a year from now. What's your one year plan? And I'm not talking about an expensive vacation. I'm talking about life.

Like a told a close friend, I'm reinventing myself. From scratch. I've completely rebooted my life and I'm following a madman's course. Maybe I'm crazy, but crazy like a fox. Or so I like to believe. Maybe I'm convincing myself, but you have to. You have to build the ego to match the dream or you'll never make it. You'll fail. And the thing about failure is that you only fail when you give up. That's right kiddies, you stop and give up, you're a failure. If you keep fighting, then you're still fighting.

The only ending to your journey is when the road ends. When there is no further that you can go. When you reach futility. Then, and only then, are you finished.

Take my word for it. If you're dreaming, no matter what it is, don't stop dreaming. Never stop dreaming. One day you may make them come true if you try. Just don't be afraid to try. You can't fail.

Unless you give up.

Hobobob